But sometimes, I'll come across little blurbs like this one, and I think to myself, "if only it were that easy."
You see, for those of us with mental illnesses, it's easier said than done. As someone who has depression, anxiety, and gets panic attacks, life is hardly ever lived in my comfort zone. Life is never normal. And when those moments hit, when all I want to do is curl up in my bed with the lights off and wish away the world and all of its problems, when I feel my heart start to race and all I can think is "I hate this" and "not again" and I have to stop what I'm doing in order to calm myself down, I wish for a comfort zone. I long for it. I pine.
I try to wish away the feelings of dread and panic every time my phone rings. I wish I didn't have to mentally prepare myself to do something so common as running to the grocery store or ordering a drink at a coffee shop because the thought of talking to strangers terrifies me. I wish I could stroll right up to that counter and blab away with all the confidence in the world. I wish I could enjoy a simple cuppa tea without the caffeine kicking in and being the dynamite to set off a panic attack. I wish I didn't have this dark cloud hanging over my head some days. I can't tell you how often I've beat myself up or had others beat me up for "being so negative." "Why are you so negative all the time?" "Quit being so negative." "Oh my god, just get over it."
So I just shut up. I stop talking. I keep it all bottled up inside because nobody wants to hear that most days are wonderful, but today's not so great. Nobody wants to hear that as soon as I woke up this morning, those dark thoughts crept up in my brain and I had to try so hard to remind myself that these thoughts are not my own. That it's only because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. That I'm a brilliant and creative person who deserves love and has much to offer the world. That depression doesn't identify who I am.
I wish.
I wish I didn't feel the need to escape my own mind.
But wishing isn't going to get me anywhere. My day to day routine is not normal.
So I pick myself up and dust myself off and continue living out of the comfort zone. But what is comforting to know is that I'm not the only one. There are kindred spirits out there. So we find one another and keep each other encouraged. We paint and write and compose. We tell our stories. We find those little pockets of good and light and positivity and we grab hold and don't let go.
We find the comfort.
And that, dear ones, is where I find life begins.
