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When I moved to Ireland, I expected to start a new life. I just had no idea how true those words would ring.
I didn't just sell/donate everything I had and pack everything else into two suitcases to move halfway across the world. I didn't just say goodbye/see you later to everyone I know.
My world was turned upside down when I got on that plane.
I didn't know my home church would never attempt to contact me and leave me without their much needed support. I didn't know I would start to question everything I grew up with in the church and its culture. I didn't know I would metaphorically throw up all the theology I swallowed as a child and build from the ground up my own faith.
But I did.
My world was turned upside down when I got on that plane.
I didn't know my home church would never attempt to contact me and leave me without their much needed support. I didn't know I would start to question everything I grew up with in the church and its culture. I didn't know I would metaphorically throw up all the theology I swallowed as a child and build from the ground up my own faith.
But I did.
And a funny thing happens when you do that.
You get rid of all the bullshit.
Everything I've grown up with, everything that seemed familiar, is now foreign and strange.
Everything I've grown up with, everything that seemed familiar, is now foreign and strange.
I started questioning a lot, like why I saw 99% of the pastors and speakers within the church are male. Where were all the women? Why wasn't I seeing any women rise up to leadership? How come we've accepted discrimination and oppression of women in the church through traditionalist views, complementarianism and fundamentalism? How is that okay? We've been told to live a life of "biblical womanhood." But a woman's place is not under her husband's rule, it is not in the kitchen or in the home raising children and doing housework. A woman's place is wherever the hell she wants to be. The same applies for men. If they have no desire to be in leadership, why pressure them? People, regardless of gender, should be free to pursue their callings, both inside and out of the church, with no discrimination. There are women out there that have a heart to lead, and instead of giving us resources to grow and flourish, to be world changers, and to be on the frontlines, we're being told that we're second class citizens, and that we need to step back so men can be in their "rightful place as leaders." Enough is enough! You want Biblical womanhood? Read this.
I saw how purity culture has wreaked such havoc and dictate that women's value and worth is tied directly to their virginity. I saw it slut shame, victim blame, and objectify women, as well as enforce outdated gender roles. It told us to dress a certain way, it told us that men have a bigger sex drive and women have a very small sex drive (despite that being scientifically proven false. I thought I was a freak for having a sex drive as a teenager, even though it's completely natural), and it perverted the word "pure", trying to masquerade it as something tied to our sex lives. It told us that we were to submit to our husbands, and that it's our duty to please him in bed. When in reality, sex is never owed to anyone. Ever. Regardless if you've been married for 20 years or dating for 2 weeks. I cannot stress this enough: you do not owe sex to anyone. It is 100% consent on both parties.
Purity culture has mistaken natural sexual desire for lust. It tells us that what our bodies are feeling is "sinful and shameful", but once you're married, it's "beautiful" and is to be celebrated. Too often in purity culture, abstinence is used as sex education. As a result, teenagers and young adults have no idea what is going on with their own bodies, and when they enter marriage (under the impression -placed by the church- that sex is saved for marriage), they have no clue what to do, and most often than not, wives are not enjoying sexual intimacy with their husbands, and vice versa. This leads to frustration and shame on both parties, all because the Church is afraid to tell young people that sex feels good and refuses to partner with healthy sex education. It's a vicious cycle. Statistics have already proven that abstinence doesn't work, so can we please just get on with our lives and stop seeing sex as this trophy you get once you get married? Marriage is not about sex. Placing the emphasis on not having sex until marriage has young Christians marrying far too young and leads to high rates of divorce; young adults are getting married to be able to be intimate, not necessarily because they want to be married.(2)
Purity culture has dressed up marriage as a fairy tale, waiting for a prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet in a happy ending with a huge diamond ring and extravagant wedding. When in fact, marriage is a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. Yes, purity culture sure has done its damage on my generation, and I'm still healing from it. It's time to have a healthy conversation about sex positivity in the church community. "Learning to honour your body also requires you learn about it." - Eliel Cruz
I saw the ridiculous stats of LGBT+ kids who deal with excommunication, homelessness, depression and/or suicide because they aren't accepted for who they are, or are unable to safely come out to their family without losing provision for their basic needs. I couldn't see how being gay, bisexual, trans*, etc. was a choice, how somebody would choose that only to deal with such negative responses, religion and religious homes being a huge factor in these kids facing homelessness or oppression. Stories like this one are just a small example of what some of these kids go through. (trigger warning: parts of the video are extremely verbally graphic). Unfortunately, a lot of conservative/religious people relate LGBT+, particularly homosexuality and bisexuality, with promiscuity and generally concentrate on their sexual relationships, instead of romantic relationships (like you would a straight couple). This double standard is false. LGBT+ people are no more promiscuous than straight people are. I understand that generally Christians I know say they think (specifically)homosexuality is wrong because the Bible dictates it to be so, but they love and don't judge them. Which is all well and good, and I understand their hearts behind it, but we need to stop picking out parts of the Bible that we're comfortable taking at face value. It's time we unpacked these ancient texts and get to the true historical and cultural context, and see what has been lost in translation. It's much easier to read something at face value and assume you understand exactly what's being said when it doesn't apply to you on such a deep, personal level. (1) We cannot blindly take some parts of the Bible at face value and then choose to recognize the cultural/historical aspect of others. The Church needs to accept that being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, etc., is not a choice, and it's not a "lifestyle" as Christians like to call it. Some of us are born differently, and some of us fit comfortably into our heteronormative society. We like to put people into boxes and into binaries. Exclusion and discrimination against those who don't fit inside the gender and/or sexuality binary is something that has gone on far too long.
I saw how purity culture has wreaked such havoc and dictate that women's value and worth is tied directly to their virginity. I saw it slut shame, victim blame, and objectify women, as well as enforce outdated gender roles. It told us to dress a certain way, it told us that men have a bigger sex drive and women have a very small sex drive (despite that being scientifically proven false. I thought I was a freak for having a sex drive as a teenager, even though it's completely natural), and it perverted the word "pure", trying to masquerade it as something tied to our sex lives. It told us that we were to submit to our husbands, and that it's our duty to please him in bed. When in reality, sex is never owed to anyone. Ever. Regardless if you've been married for 20 years or dating for 2 weeks. I cannot stress this enough: you do not owe sex to anyone. It is 100% consent on both parties.
Purity culture has mistaken natural sexual desire for lust. It tells us that what our bodies are feeling is "sinful and shameful", but once you're married, it's "beautiful" and is to be celebrated. Too often in purity culture, abstinence is used as sex education. As a result, teenagers and young adults have no idea what is going on with their own bodies, and when they enter marriage (under the impression -placed by the church- that sex is saved for marriage), they have no clue what to do, and most often than not, wives are not enjoying sexual intimacy with their husbands, and vice versa. This leads to frustration and shame on both parties, all because the Church is afraid to tell young people that sex feels good and refuses to partner with healthy sex education. It's a vicious cycle. Statistics have already proven that abstinence doesn't work, so can we please just get on with our lives and stop seeing sex as this trophy you get once you get married? Marriage is not about sex. Placing the emphasis on not having sex until marriage has young Christians marrying far too young and leads to high rates of divorce; young adults are getting married to be able to be intimate, not necessarily because they want to be married.(2)
Purity culture has dressed up marriage as a fairy tale, waiting for a prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet in a happy ending with a huge diamond ring and extravagant wedding. When in fact, marriage is a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. Yes, purity culture sure has done its damage on my generation, and I'm still healing from it. It's time to have a healthy conversation about sex positivity in the church community. "Learning to honour your body also requires you learn about it." - Eliel Cruz
I saw the ridiculous stats of LGBT+ kids who deal with excommunication, homelessness, depression and/or suicide because they aren't accepted for who they are, or are unable to safely come out to their family without losing provision for their basic needs. I couldn't see how being gay, bisexual, trans*, etc. was a choice, how somebody would choose that only to deal with such negative responses, religion and religious homes being a huge factor in these kids facing homelessness or oppression. Stories like this one are just a small example of what some of these kids go through. (trigger warning: parts of the video are extremely verbally graphic). Unfortunately, a lot of conservative/religious people relate LGBT+, particularly homosexuality and bisexuality, with promiscuity and generally concentrate on their sexual relationships, instead of romantic relationships (like you would a straight couple). This double standard is false. LGBT+ people are no more promiscuous than straight people are. I understand that generally Christians I know say they think (specifically)homosexuality is wrong because the Bible dictates it to be so, but they love and don't judge them. Which is all well and good, and I understand their hearts behind it, but we need to stop picking out parts of the Bible that we're comfortable taking at face value. It's time we unpacked these ancient texts and get to the true historical and cultural context, and see what has been lost in translation. It's much easier to read something at face value and assume you understand exactly what's being said when it doesn't apply to you on such a deep, personal level. (1) We cannot blindly take some parts of the Bible at face value and then choose to recognize the cultural/historical aspect of others. The Church needs to accept that being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, etc., is not a choice, and it's not a "lifestyle" as Christians like to call it. Some of us are born differently, and some of us fit comfortably into our heteronormative society. We like to put people into boxes and into binaries. Exclusion and discrimination against those who don't fit inside the gender and/or sexuality binary is something that has gone on far too long.
The minute we place our theology above people is the minute we've failed, not only to represent Jesus and even understand His message, but also to be decent human beings. This is something that has been heavy on my mind so I will expand in a later post.
I started to question the validity of the Bible. I grew up around the mentality of "the Bible says it, I believe it, and that settles it." An extremely literal view. I grew up in a Christian school, where of course we had a Bible class, wherein I had a teacher who scoffed at science and tried to teach us something more "biblical" based. He, and most of the school board, saw science as a weapon yielded by atheists, bent on destroying the "Christian mandate" and anything "biblical based."
When I took a step back and looked at it, it didn't make sense that we were taking rules and laws from a completely different time period and culture and enforcing them onto today's modern generation and culture.
I know what the Bible says regarding women in certain roles, homosexuality, and sexuality. Believe me. I did not come to these conclusions lightly. I have wrestled with all of this and more for a long time. I now know it's okay to look at the Bible with a non literal view and still respect it for all of its beauty and wisdom. Reiterating what I said above, I have too much respect for the Bible to take it at face value. Doing so is a dangerous thing to do, because it cheapens and dishonours the Bible for all its worth. Although, I will say this: the Bible does not have the final say in our questions and issues, because it doesn't contain all the answers to life's problems and grey areas. God does. God's Word is not limited to a physical book, it goes beyond that. His Word is the very life He speaks into us, the love He lavishes us with, and the wisdom He guides us with. Rachel Held Evans put my frustrations into beautiful words. Check it out here.
Presently, I'm starting to question a lot of church culture in general, and organized religion(Please do not mistake this for me criticizing the Church as people. We're all messed up and nowhere near perfect. I'm simply aiming this at the culture we've allowed to seep into our community of the Bride of Christ).
I know what the Bible says regarding women in certain roles, homosexuality, and sexuality. Believe me. I did not come to these conclusions lightly. I have wrestled with all of this and more for a long time. I now know it's okay to look at the Bible with a non literal view and still respect it for all of its beauty and wisdom. Reiterating what I said above, I have too much respect for the Bible to take it at face value. Doing so is a dangerous thing to do, because it cheapens and dishonours the Bible for all its worth. Although, I will say this: the Bible does not have the final say in our questions and issues, because it doesn't contain all the answers to life's problems and grey areas. God does. God's Word is not limited to a physical book, it goes beyond that. His Word is the very life He speaks into us, the love He lavishes us with, and the wisdom He guides us with. Rachel Held Evans put my frustrations into beautiful words. Check it out here.
Presently, I'm starting to question a lot of church culture in general, and organized religion(Please do not mistake this for me criticizing the Church as people. We're all messed up and nowhere near perfect. I'm simply aiming this at the culture we've allowed to seep into our community of the Bride of Christ).
Marriage is idealized by the church. They mistakenly assume every teenager or young adult is striving for marriage and has the desire to pop out a couple of kids, so of course they have teachings and small groups and courses and marriage counselling and nurseries available. But nowhere do we see small groups or support in general for single people, whether they have no desire to get married, or they do and it just hasn't happened yet. Nowhere are we seeing support and community for single parents, because according to Christian culture, they are broken homes/families. This is an entirely false assumption that needs to be stopped. In my honest opinion, if a child has a parent or guardian who loves them and provides a healthy home, there is no brokenness there. Healthy homes and parent-child relationships are not limited to the number of caregivers present.
I didn't understand why my church cut off all communication with me after I left for Ireland. And I was scared to ask because I had seen the exact same thing happen to a friend of mine at the exact same church. I was scared of rejection. I still am. But beauty has come out of it. By being forced into isolation, I've had the freedom to question and doubt and know that it's okay to do so, without any outside influence. I'm sure their lack of communication was unintentional. Call me foolish, but I'm still hoping relationships can be repaired and restored.
I came across this quote today:
I came across this quote today:
"So when people leave, I've learned a secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to. Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return." - The Staying Philosophy (Everyday Isa)
I'm sure nobody from my home church will see this, but on the off chance they do, know that I'm not angry with anyone. I'm simply hurt.
So though I may presently be without the support of my church back home, I've found community from the most unlikely people, and in the most unlikely places.
And I've discovered kindred spirits who relate with my frustrations of organized religion. The internet is a wondrous place that allows unlikely community to be built. I've found encouragement in the writings of authors and fellow bloggers like John Pavlovitz, Rachel Held Evans, The American Jesus (Zack Hunt), Nadia Bolz Weber, and Eliel Cruz(who can be found here, here, and here).
After being raised around purity culture and fundamentalism not just on Sundays, but during the week at school as well (for at least half of my education, and during pre adolescent and adolescent years), there was a lot of damage done that I'm currently healing from. It was, quite honestly, spiritual abuse(Please note: my home church had nothing to do with the spiritual abuse I endured over the years. They actually have a great representation of what community looks like). This time away from the familiar has allowed me to wake up to the backwards thinking I was surrounded by as a child and teenager. After having my eyes opened to the extent of damage done by organized religion, I think it's a good thing I didn't have contact with my church. It allowed room for the healing process. Spiritual abuse is subtle, but has extremely damaging effects in the long term.
I've been slowly but surely walking through my past and unearthing old wounds that I've subconsciously suppressed for many years, and have taken the time to let new skin grow over. For the first time, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own body and mind.
I've had the freedom to throw away everything that I learned while growing up in the Church and build up my own faith, instead of having it hinge off of others beliefs. There is little in life that is as liberating as doing this. I am not the same person I was nine months ago. My views have changed drastically, but my love of Jesus has grown tenfold, and I have a new found respect for the Bible.
I would love to see churches embrace the LGBT+ community (e.g. United Church of Canada). There are LGBT+ people who are Christians as well. I want to see support groups or community for single people, single/divorced parents, and women raised up in leadership. The Church is supposed to be a safe space, an accepting community, not a battlefield. Let's make it so. If the Church begins to open its doors to those who were previously shut out, I can guarantee it will be a complete game changer. And besides, we don't need another Mark Driscoll incident, do we?
This has been the biggest journey of my life yet. The future is brighter, and I'm looking forward to this next season with fresh eyes. I'm hoping we can begin to repair our church culture. Let's not pick sides, let's stop attacking each other. Let's stop with the judgement and stop flinging Bible verses at each other in condemnation and 'warfare'. Matthew 5:9 states that blessed are the peacemakers. So let's be peacemakers.
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Have you been frustrated with organized religion or experienced spiritual abuse?
What is your experience or stance on LGBT+ and Christianity? If you're a Christian, what would you do if someone close to you came out? What do you think your reaction would be, and would you treat them any different? (I'm looking for something other than "because the Bible says so" responses).
My fellow women, have you been hurt by purity culture or have been told to let the men take leadership roles?
Let me know in the comments section below! And please keep this civil. I'm aware these are delicate matters within the church, as such, any rude or disrespectful comments will be deleted.
After being raised around purity culture and fundamentalism not just on Sundays, but during the week at school as well (for at least half of my education, and during pre adolescent and adolescent years), there was a lot of damage done that I'm currently healing from. It was, quite honestly, spiritual abuse(Please note: my home church had nothing to do with the spiritual abuse I endured over the years. They actually have a great representation of what community looks like). This time away from the familiar has allowed me to wake up to the backwards thinking I was surrounded by as a child and teenager. After having my eyes opened to the extent of damage done by organized religion, I think it's a good thing I didn't have contact with my church. It allowed room for the healing process. Spiritual abuse is subtle, but has extremely damaging effects in the long term.
I've been slowly but surely walking through my past and unearthing old wounds that I've subconsciously suppressed for many years, and have taken the time to let new skin grow over. For the first time, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own body and mind.
I've had the freedom to throw away everything that I learned while growing up in the Church and build up my own faith, instead of having it hinge off of others beliefs. There is little in life that is as liberating as doing this. I am not the same person I was nine months ago. My views have changed drastically, but my love of Jesus has grown tenfold, and I have a new found respect for the Bible.
I would love to see churches embrace the LGBT+ community (e.g. United Church of Canada). There are LGBT+ people who are Christians as well. I want to see support groups or community for single people, single/divorced parents, and women raised up in leadership. The Church is supposed to be a safe space, an accepting community, not a battlefield. Let's make it so. If the Church begins to open its doors to those who were previously shut out, I can guarantee it will be a complete game changer. And besides, we don't need another Mark Driscoll incident, do we?
This has been the biggest journey of my life yet. The future is brighter, and I'm looking forward to this next season with fresh eyes. I'm hoping we can begin to repair our church culture. Let's not pick sides, let's stop attacking each other. Let's stop with the judgement and stop flinging Bible verses at each other in condemnation and 'warfare'. Matthew 5:9 states that blessed are the peacemakers. So let's be peacemakers.
-------
Have you been frustrated with organized religion or experienced spiritual abuse?
What is your experience or stance on LGBT+ and Christianity? If you're a Christian, what would you do if someone close to you came out? What do you think your reaction would be, and would you treat them any different? (I'm looking for something other than "because the Bible says so" responses).
My fellow women, have you been hurt by purity culture or have been told to let the men take leadership roles?
Let me know in the comments section below! And please keep this civil. I'm aware these are delicate matters within the church, as such, any rude or disrespectful comments will be deleted.
