Good News: Nobody Has Their Shit Together

Photo cred: unsplash.com

Although Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, I found myself reflecting on this past year. It's been a year like no other, quite possibly the most challenging and worst and best year of my life so far.

I moved my life to Ireland.

Those of you who have packed up your life to move to another country, you understand the weight of what it means to start over from scratch. Moving to another country is HARD. People forget you exist. Once you're out of sight, you're out of mind. You lose friends and the safety net you didn't realize you relied so heavily on. And the hardest part of this whole picking up roots thing, is that you realize just how much you don't have your shit together.

And people notice.  They notice how this hard season has reshaped you. They don't like the way your thinking has changed, the way your theology has changed, the way you changed. Some people will try to "encourage" you with nothing but negativity and poking and prodding at all your insecurities. They will view your life from the outside, not know all the tiny, intricate, most intimate details, and tell your to flat out give up. Pack it in. Go home. But what they don't realize, my fellow people who have started over, is that nobody has their shit together.
Whether it's moving, or planning a wedding, or expecting a new baby, or quitting your job, or grieving a lost loved one, or even just trying to get through the school semester, not one person has all their ducks in a row at the same time.

So, my fellow movers, be encouraged. Know that you're not the only one, and trust me when I say that it's going to be okay.

It's tough work uprooting your entire life, but you're brave for doing it.

He Is Patient

This was inspired by a piece I came across, about Elijah in the desert. You can read it here.


In my five years of being a rededicated Christian, and especially in the last couple years, I was surrounded by the miraculous. And it was what I needed at the time. It got me out of the rut of vanilla Christianity that I grew up with. I learned that being moved by the Spirit doesn't necessarily have to be sombre and serious and tears streaming down everyone's faces. It actually means laughing until your sides hurt and your eyes water and you look totally wasted because Holy Spirit has grabbed a hold of you and won't let go. Even now, during the rare times when I worship, this is still how it ends up being, no matter how far and few between those times are.

I discovered a new side of the Almighty. And His name was Joy. I saw limbs grow out (I had my own leg grow out so both legs were equal length, and my lower back pain disappeared). I saw a man walk out of a wheelchair. I experienced heavenly encounters and discovered my gifting (words of knowledge). I learned about the prophetic. And I saw people declare things in the name of the Lord and it would happen instantly. But when I did it, nothing happened. I saw my body in pain, and I prayed regularly for healing, and I sought out people who were gifted with that, and so many people prayed, and nothing happened. Nada. Nil. Zip. And I became frustrated. I didn't understand why God refused to heal me miraculously. I was surrounded by this culture of "God wants nothing but goodness for you, and will heal you if you ask for it" and "God doesn't want you to be in pain" but I wasn't seeing it manifest in my own life. Living in the culture of the miraculous was good, but it did its bout of damage. Why? Nobody wanted to admit that God sometimes heals with time. Yes, healing comes through the supernatural. But sometimes healing comes through the natural. He heals slowly. And sometimes that slow healing process is painful. And. That's. Okay.

Sometimes gifts are deactivated for a while. Sometimes passions are put on the back burner. I haven't given a word of knowledge or had a heavenly encounter for almost a year. My passion to fight sex trafficking has been given a rain check. Put on hold. This has actually been a positive thing. With my Jesus walking me through all my past hurts that I'd buried deep while growing up, there are some days where all I can do is get up and not be angry. I'm not in a place to be giving words or praying for victims of sex trafficking. I can't even pick up a Bible right now. But that's okay. I'm getting there.

Sometimes God refuses to heal in supernatural ways. He sees your pain and says, "no" to miracles. He says "no" to the easy button. Instead, He says "we're going to walk this through. It's going to be slow and painful, and it's going to be rough. It will test your faith and hope, and you will want to give up at times. In fact, you're going to downright hate it. But I promise you, you're going to make it. It's going to be okay." Iron sharpens iron. But let me tell you, it is in these times, you discover so much about yourself. It is in these times of desert, in these seasons of thorns and poison, that true beauty is found.

And you know what? Most of the time, the people who surround you with love and family won't understand it. They'll see the things you're struggling with and call it "a tactic from the enemy." They'll see it from the outside looking in. They'll try to pray it away, they'll see it as something evil and unnecessary, or even a "soul tie". But it's not. It's simply a part of the journey. It's a thorn stuck in your side. And it's ugly. But it's part of walking in the desert. Thorns are going to make their way into your skin as you trek through. And you're going to have to walk a ways with it before learning to pry  it out.

 I'm learning that life really is mainly lived in the desert, and that mountaintop experiences are far and few between. But God meets me here. Here, in the dust, and the dirt, and the thirst and hunger, and the inferiority, and my weakness. When I can no longer go on, He sustains me, and says, "Arise, and eat." He doesn't try to fix me, like so many other people are doing, He's not trying to force or push me out of this current spot, He's not trying to invalidate or erase how I feel in this exact moment. He just meets me where I'm at. He sits in the dirt with me. And He stays. Until I'm ready to get up and maybe take a feeble step forward, clinging tightly to His hand. He never lets go. He is patient. And He is never ending love and grace.

An Apology

Dearest ones,

I have an apology to make. I can't apologize for my anger or my frustration because they've been essential in the healing process. I can't apologize for calling the church out on things, because in return, I've had people call me out on my crap too. And that's what we're here for. I'm so beyond thankful and grateful to those who did. I'm a better person because of that.

But I am sorry.

I'm sorry for acting entitled.

I'm sorry for getting angry at people for not donating to my ministry. It's not even my ministry. It's all His.

Yes, I sold and donated all I have to come here. But that isn't worthy of praise. I'm not the only person to do so. No, I don't have heat in my house, and no I'm not fully funded. But I can't blame every single person for that. Yes, I see people spending two hundred dollars a month on Starbucks and then turn around and say they are unable to give. But I don't know the person's situation. Maybe that one latte a day is all that's keeping them sane in the midst of a busy and unforgivable world. And I can't be mad at that. And I can't condemn them for that. I can't keep saying, "my problem is your problem, So help me." I didn't see anyone reaching out, so I didn't think anyone was watching me, and in return I used this public space as a journal of sorts. And that was wrong.

I've heard a million times over "so and so is praying for you." And I am grateful. It was and is hard for me to see so many people praying and not many people moving. And maybe there was a reason for that. I don't know, I don't have all the answers.

But I'm not entitled to having my basic needs met. There are other people out there, not even missionaries, that don't have what I have. I've lived without electricity, and I've lived without a roof over my head, and I've lived with no food, wondering where my next meal is going to come from. I've done this before. I've just forgotten.

I'm sorry for blaming you for my problems. By acting entitled and throwing fits on the internet, I've acted childish, and in so doing I've hurt myself and my ministry. I've failed to practice tact; I've messed up big time. My inheritance from my Father isn't money, it's people. And I've forgotten that. I've idolized money problems. And I'm sorry.

I want to thank the few who stuck by me in all of this. I promise to learn from this. I promise to continue being human and mess up in other ways, and I know I'll have people correct me when I do. And I promise I won't be using public spaces as ranting corners about my personal life (I've already deleted a couple of posts on this blog).

I do promise to continue being honest with you. And I promise I still can't sugar coat things. But I promise I will be tactful, something I've failed miserably at practicing.

So I hope you can forgive me. And if you see me doing something stupid, please don't be afraid to call me out on it immediately.

Thank you.

To Church or Not To Church?

Hey guys,

I need your feedback and/or opinion on something. See, I've been healing from the spiritual abuse I grew up with(you can read all about that here). With that comes recognizing triggers. At this point in time, I am unable to step foot into a church without multiple triggers happening, and I end up angry, frustrated, and hurt more than encouraged and filled.

Some would be concerned about the lack of community. To that I say one doesn't require a religious building in order to fulfill that need.

Some would say that going to church is a necessary part of one's journey in the Christian faith. To that I disagree. John the Baptist spent many solitary years in the wilderness. When I feel pressured by others to find a church to join, it only further pushes me away. If one is in a season of hiddenness or wilderness, the church should respect that.

Some would argue that you need spiritual covering of a church. Two words: Holy Spirit.
People aren't required to provide spiritual covering for an individual. Is it helpful? Yes. Is it always necessary? No. The Holy Spirit is all the spiritual covering you need.

What do you think? Do you think going to church is necessary? Are you attending/not attending church? What are the advantages of joining a congregation for you personally? What has been your experience regarding this topic?

New Skin

Every time I'm about to post another piece, I always second guess myself, because the pieces tend to be on the negative/venting scale. But honestly, that's alright. Those who know me know that I'm not a negative person generally. But this time in Ireland has been healing, and the Lord's been showing me how much I've endured during my lifetime (more below). Writing these have been therapeutic for me. These pieces aren't really for anyone else, although I do love to see everyone's opinion and input. So thanks to everyone for putting up with my cranky side as I continue on this path of healing. It's a bumpy one, but it's good. So without further a due, here it is:

-------------------

When I moved to Ireland, I expected to start a new life. I just had no idea how true those words would ring.

I didn't just sell/donate everything I had and pack everything else into two suitcases to move halfway across the world. I didn't just say goodbye/see you later to everyone I know.
My world was turned upside down when I got on that plane.
I didn't know my home church would never attempt to contact me and leave me without their much needed support. I didn't know I would start to question everything I grew up with in the church and its culture. I didn't know I would metaphorically throw up all the theology I swallowed as a child and build from the ground up my own faith.
But I did.

And a funny thing happens when you do that. 

You get rid of all the bullshit.
Everything I've grown up with, everything that seemed familiar, is now foreign and strange.

I started questioning a lot, like why I saw 99% of the pastors and speakers within the church are male. Where were all the women? Why wasn't I seeing any women rise up to leadership? How come we've accepted discrimination and oppression of women in the church through traditionalist views, complementarianism and fundamentalism? How is that okay? We've been told to live a life of "biblical womanhood." But a woman's place is not under her husband's rule, it is not in the kitchen or in the home raising children and doing housework. A woman's place is wherever the hell she wants to be. The same applies for men. If they have no desire to be in leadership, why pressure them? People, regardless of gender, should be free to pursue their callings, both inside and out of the church, with no discrimination. There are women out there that have a heart to lead, and instead of giving us resources to grow and flourish, to be world changers, and to be on the frontlines, we're being told that we're second class citizens, and that we need to step back so men can be in their "rightful place as leaders." Enough is enough! You want Biblical womanhood? Read this.


I saw how purity culture has wreaked such havoc and dictate that women's value and worth is tied directly to their virginity. I saw it slut shame, victim blame, and objectify women, as well as enforce outdated gender roles. It told us to dress a certain way, it told us that men have a bigger sex drive and women have a very small sex drive (despite that being scientifically proven false. I thought I was a freak for having a sex drive as a teenager, even though it's completely natural), and it perverted the word "pure", trying to masquerade it as something tied to our sex lives. It told us that we were to submit to our husbands, and that it's our duty to please him in bed. When in reality, sex is never owed to anyone. Ever. Regardless if you've been married for 20 years or dating for 2 weeks. I cannot stress this enough: you do not owe sex to anyone. It is 100% consent on both parties.
Purity culture has mistaken natural sexual desire for lust. It tells us that what our bodies are feeling is "sinful and shameful", but once you're married, it's "beautiful" and is to be celebrated. Too often in purity culture, abstinence is used as sex education. As a result, teenagers and young adults have no idea what is going on with their own bodies, and when they enter marriage (under the impression -placed by the church- that sex is saved for marriage), they have no clue what to do, and most often than not, wives are not enjoying sexual intimacy with their husbands, and vice versa. This leads to frustration and shame on both parties, all because the Church is afraid to tell young people that sex feels good and refuses to partner with healthy sex education. It's a vicious cycle. Statistics have already proven that abstinence doesn't work, so can we please just get on with our lives and stop seeing sex as this trophy you get once you get married? Marriage is not about sex. Placing the emphasis on not having sex until marriage has young Christians marrying far too young and leads to high rates of divorce; young adults are getting married to be able to be intimate, not necessarily because they want to be married.(2)
Purity culture has dressed up marriage as a fairy tale, waiting for a prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet in a happy ending with a huge diamond ring and extravagant wedding. When in fact, marriage is a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. Yes, purity culture sure has done its damage on my generation, and I'm still healing from it. It's time to have a healthy conversation about sex positivity in the church community. "Learning to honour your body also requires you learn about it." - Eliel Cruz


I saw the ridiculous stats of LGBT+ kids who deal with excommunication, homelessness, depression and/or suicide because they aren't accepted for who they are, or are unable to safely come out to their family without losing provision for their basic needs. I couldn't see how being gay, bisexual, trans*, etc. was a choice, how somebody would choose that only to deal with such negative responses, religion and religious homes being a huge factor in these kids facing homelessness or oppression. Stories like this one are just a small example of what some of these kids go through. (trigger warning: parts of the video are extremely verbally graphic). Unfortunately, a lot of conservative/religious people relate LGBT+, particularly homosexuality and bisexuality, with promiscuity and generally concentrate on their sexual relationships, instead of romantic relationships (like you would a straight couple). This double standard is false. LGBT+ people are no more promiscuous than straight people are. I understand that generally Christians I know say they think (specifically)homosexuality is wrong because the Bible dictates it to be so, but they love and don't judge them. Which is all well and good, and I understand their hearts behind it, but we need to stop picking out parts of the Bible that we're comfortable taking at face value. It's time we unpacked these ancient texts and get to the true historical and cultural context, and see what has been lost in translation. It's much easier to read something at face value and assume you understand exactly what's being said when it doesn't apply to you on such a deep, personal level. (1) We cannot blindly take some parts of the Bible at face value and then choose to recognize the cultural/historical aspect of others. The Church needs to accept that being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, etc., is not a choice, and it's not a "lifestyle" as Christians like to call it. Some of us are born differently, and some of us fit comfortably into our heteronormative society. We like to put people into boxes and into binaries. Exclusion and discrimination against those who don't fit inside the gender and/or sexuality binary is something that has gone on far too long. 

The minute we place our theology above people is the minute we've failed, not only to represent Jesus and even understand His message, but also to be decent human beings.  This is something that has been heavy on my mind so I will expand in a later post.

I started to question the validity of the Bible. I grew up around the mentality of "the Bible says it, I believe it, and that settles it." An extremely literal view. I grew up in a Christian school, where of course we had a Bible class, wherein I had a teacher who scoffed at science and tried to teach us something more "biblical" based. He, and most of the school board, saw science as a weapon yielded by atheists, bent on destroying the "Christian mandate" and anything "biblical based." 

 When I took a step back and looked at it, it didn't make sense that we were taking rules and laws from a completely different time period and culture and enforcing them onto today's modern generation and culture.
I know what the Bible says regarding women in certain roles, homosexuality, and sexuality. Believe me. I did not come to these conclusions lightly. I have wrestled with all of this and more for a long time. I now know it's okay to look at the Bible with a non literal view and still respect it for all of its beauty and wisdom. Reiterating what I said above, I have too much respect for the Bible to take it at face value. Doing so is a dangerous thing to do, because it cheapens and dishonours the Bible for all its worth. Although, I will say this: the Bible does not have the final say in our questions and issues, because it doesn't contain all the answers to life's problems and grey areas. God does. God's Word is not limited to a physical book, it goes beyond that. His Word is the very life He speaks into us, the love He lavishes us with, and the wisdom He guides us with. Rachel Held Evans put my frustrations into beautiful words. Check it out here.


Presently, I'm starting to question a lot of church culture in general, and organized religion(Please do not mistake this for me criticizing the Church as people. We're all messed up and nowhere near perfect. I'm simply aiming this at the culture we've allowed to seep into our community of the Bride of Christ). 

Marriage is idealized by the church. They mistakenly assume every teenager or young adult is striving for marriage and has the desire to pop out a couple of kids, so of course they have teachings and small groups and courses and marriage counselling and nurseries available. But nowhere do we see small groups or support in general for single people, whether they have no desire to get married, or they do and it just hasn't happened yet. Nowhere are we seeing support and community for single parents, because according to Christian culture, they are broken homes/families. This is an entirely false assumption that needs to be stopped. In my honest opinion, if a child has a parent or guardian who loves them and provides a healthy home, there is no brokenness there. Healthy homes and parent-child relationships are not limited to the number of caregivers present.

I didn't understand why my church cut off all communication with me after I left for Ireland. And I was scared to ask because I had seen the exact same thing happen to a friend of mine at the exact same church. I was scared of rejection. I still am. But beauty has come out of it. By being forced into isolation, I've had the freedom to question and doubt and know that it's okay to do so, without any outside influence. I'm sure their lack of communication was unintentional. Call me foolish, but I'm still hoping relationships can be repaired and restored.
I came across this quote today: 

"So when people leave, I've learned a secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to. Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return."  - The Staying Philosophy (Everyday Isa) 

I'm sure nobody from my home church will see this, but on the off chance they do, know that I'm not angry with anyone. I'm simply hurt.
So though I may presently be without the support of my church back home, I've found community from the most unlikely people, and in the most unlikely places.  

And I've discovered kindred spirits who relate with my frustrations of organized religion. The internet is a wondrous place that allows unlikely community to be built. I've found encouragement in the writings of authors and fellow bloggers like John Pavlovitz, Rachel Held Evans, The American Jesus (Zack Hunt), Nadia Bolz Weber, and Eliel Cruz(who can be found here, here, and here).


After being raised around purity culture and fundamentalism not just on Sundays, but during the week at school as well (for at least half of my education, and during pre adolescent and adolescent years), there was a lot of damage done that I'm currently healing from. It was, quite honestly, spiritual abuse(Please note: my home church had nothing to do with the spiritual abuse I endured over the years. They actually have a great representation of what community looks like). This time away from the familiar has allowed me to wake up to the backwards thinking I was surrounded by as a child and teenager.  After having my eyes opened to the extent of damage done by organized religion, I think it's a good thing I didn't have contact with my church. It allowed room for the healing process. Spiritual abuse is subtle, but has extremely damaging effects in the long term.
 I've been slowly but surely walking through my past and unearthing old wounds that I've subconsciously suppressed for many years, and have taken the time to let new skin grow over. For the first time, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own body and mind.
I've had the freedom to throw away everything that I learned while growing up in the Church and build up my own faith, instead of having it hinge off of others beliefs. There is little in life that is as liberating as doing this. I am not the same person I was nine months ago. My views have changed drastically, but my love of Jesus has grown tenfold, and I have a new found respect for the Bible.

I would love to see churches embrace the LGBT+ community (e.g. United Church of Canada). There are LGBT+ people who are Christians as well. I want to see support groups or community for single people, single/divorced parents, and women raised up in leadership. The Church is supposed to be a safe space, an accepting community, not a battlefield. Let's make it so. If the Church begins to open its doors to those who were previously shut out, I can guarantee it will be a complete game changer. And besides, we don't need another Mark Driscoll incident, do we?

This has been the biggest journey of my life yet. The future is brighter, and I'm looking forward to this next season with fresh eyes. I'm hoping we can begin to repair our church culture. Let's not pick sides, let's stop attacking each other. Let's stop with the judgement and stop flinging Bible verses at each other in condemnation and 'warfare'. Matthew 5:9 states that blessed are the peacemakers. So let's be peacemakers.


-------


Have you been frustrated with organized religion or experienced spiritual abuse?
What is your experience or stance on LGBT+ and Christianity? If you're a Christian, what would you do if someone close to you came out? What do you think your reaction would be, and would you treat them any different? (I'm looking for something other than "because the Bible says so" responses).
My fellow women, have you been hurt by purity culture or have been told to let the men take leadership roles?
Let me know in the comments section below! And please keep this civil. I'm aware these are delicate matters within the church, as such, any rude or disrespectful comments will be deleted.

You've Lost Me, Church

“Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

We can't keep using that phrase anymore. It's drenched in such passive aggressive, self-righteous, condescending, condemnation that it makes me want to vomit. It separates us and them. There is no us and them. No more drawing circles, no more segregation, no more labels. It's just us. All of us. 

My dear Church, stop with the snooty, nose in the air attitude. It's disgusting and I can't stand it anymore. I've seen people peek in during church service to see what we're all about, and then leave ten, fifteen minutes later, because it's clear they're not one of us. They don't belong. They're outsiders. And you know what? I feel the exact same way. I don't feel at home in the church anymore.  

You’ve lost me.

Yes, you've lost me. I do not find Jesus in your building. I do not find Him in the worship service with the light show and fancy slides. I do not find Him in the sermon preached. I do not find Him in the alter call or the prayer, or even in your offering plates. I don’t find Him in your little social circles that gather around Folgers coffee, or your after-service conversation and side hugs and little pats on the back.

I find Him outside of your comfortable cafe corners, outside of your walls with flashy posters and beckoning couches. I do not find Him in your comfort, in your separation from the world. And I sure as hell don’t find Him in your missions tourism. I find Him elsewhere.

You've lost me. I am no longer satisfied with staying inside your safe little bubble. The comfort zone of the church is suffocating me. The fluffy kind of faith I grew up believing in is false. Faith is not this pretty little thing. It's not found in memorizing scripture and it's not in a dismissive "I'll pray for you" or "God is good, all the time!"

I have found it in the thick of the ugliest of times. After being dragged through the muck and the mud and blood, amidst the hopelessness, after almost drowning in the storm, after barely surviving the war zone that is life, after screaming out "Where are you in the pain, God?" and having silence in return.  That is where faith is found.

It is found in the thorns and the doubt and the dark. It is found in the depression and the grief. It is found in the questioning and the fire.

Yes, dear church, you've lost me. My questions are uncomfortable, full of doubt. You've made it clear to me that you don't like it. They rub you the wrong way, and they threaten your self preservation. I am putting everything I've grown up with to the test. And I am not satisfied with your washed over answers or your quoted Bible verses. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand your Christianese terms or your slogans. I hate your rules and checklists and judgement. And I can’t stand your Pharisee mindset.

I am finding Jesus elsewhere. I am finding Him in the doubt. I am finding Him in the world, in the people you painted as dirty and unclean.  These people are covered with scars, just like me, and they have shown more love and acceptance and Jesus than you have. I am finding Him in the atheists and the anti-theists. I'm finding Him in feminism and marriage equality. I'm finding Him in the teenagers I hang out with. 

 I am also finding Him in the darkest, most disgusting corners of the earth that you wouldn't dare venture over to lest you dirty your self proclaimed clean hands and pure hearts.

Faith is dirty and gritty. It’s messy.

It's time to get uncomfortable, church.
It’s time to leave your suit and tie at home. Hang up your prejudice. Take off your shined shoes.

It's time to walk knee deep in the mud.
It's time to get real. 

“I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions. I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes, your public relations and image making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music. When was the last time you sang to me? Do you know what I want? I want justice—oceans of it. I want fairness—rivers of it. That’s what I want. That’s all I want."

-Amos 5:21-24, MSG

Disclaimer: This is not aimed at a particular church back home. This comes from growing up in the church and around Christianity, and seeing what the Western Church culture has become.

Uncomfortable

I've been writing a lot, lately.

I've been consumed with passion for social justice and anger at churches for failing and love for all things fundamentalist Christianity frowns upon. And I've written a lot.

But I've been scared to put it out there. Err, here. On this blog. They've been sitting pretty in my drafts folder. Because what if I do and I lose people? What if I lose friends and supporters and churches?

But the thing is, I can't just play Switzerland my entire life. I'm allowed to speak up. I'm allowed to have a voice. And I can't be scared to approach subjects that normally have Christians getting on the defensive side and waving their Bible verses and theologies at me. Let's face it, life is uncomfortable. Especially a life of faith.

So here we go. No more holding back.

It's time to get raw and honest. It's time to get uncomfortable. Because I've been uncomfortable for a long time.

Stop The Madness: A Look Into How Evangelical Purity Culture Ties Into Rape Culture

Lately quite a few articles have been popping up on various feeds on social media, regarding either rape culture or evangelical purity culture. So I thought I'd pitch in my two cents, and how the two correlate.

The first article I came across was a blog post by a woman named Samantha. Read it here. The second article is here.

Regarding Samantha's post, let me just say that I understand where she comes from. 

In the ninety's, Richard Ross- along with his wife- founded True Love Waits. They are responsible for the Purity Movement, propelling purity rings and pledges onto the Christian youth masses. Purity culture became a huge wave within the church. I grew up around it too. Spending half of my education in the private Christian education system, my adolescent years were surrounded by it. Girls my age were proudly taking oaths in front of their churches, declaring they would remain pure until their wedding night, displaying their purity rings for all to see. While this may seem innocent enough, the actual root of it is not. It has actually driven away people from their faith. The problem with evangelical purity culture (abbreviated to as EPC henceforth), isn't just about "saving yourself," it also encourages dissociation from our sexuality, when curiosity and exploration are a natural and important part of sexual and psychological development.(1) Plainly put, instead of receiving proper and healthy sex education, we were taught to be ashamed of our sexual desire, when it is a perfectly natural function of the human body. Our virginity and sexuality was placed on this pedestal like a trophy, not to be touched or tarnished.

EPC also set up newly married couples for failure. Instead of protecting youth, the purity movement actually guaranteed people would enter marriages naive, ignorant, filled with assumptions about their gender, their bodies, and their sexuality... without knowledge, vocabulary or practice to discuss sex or sexuality. (2) 

Of course, being surrounded by EPC, I was pressured into taking an oath. I did it, at the ripe age of twelve, all the while not having a clue about sex, because why would I? I was twelve years old. I was more concerned with my math grade. But I did it. I signed that little piece of paper, declaring that I would remain pure until my wedding day. I remember the feeling I had when I did it. It was not one of accomplishment, but rather one of shame and regret. "What did I just do?" I asked myself. And you know what the most disturbing fact is about all this? No boy was ever asked to take said oath, or wear any symbol of their promise to keep their virginity. It was all us girls. It was our responsibility to keep our virginity for our future husbands, because it was a "gift" for him, and if you gave it away to the wrong person, all of a sudden you were cast out, you were tainted, in need of reconciliation with Christ, because you just committed one of the most terrible sins. And yet, boys were given more grace. It wasn't a big deal if they had sex outside of marriage, because of course boys are wired differently. They couldn't help it if they "fell into sin." This is not only not fair to the girls, but it is also insulting to the boys, insinuating that males are hormone controlled, sex crazed beings who are not intelligent enough to comprehend self control.

EPC not only encouraged all of this, but also urged the girls to dress modestly, so as not to attract the attention of boys. During my days in the private Christian education system, I can affirm that 90% of the dress code was aimed toward the female student body. Don't wear spaghetti straps/don't have your shoulders showing, don't have your bra straps showing, don't have skirts above the knee, don't wear shirts with lower necklines, etc. The dress code for the boys can be summed up in one sentence: don't wear clothing with mud/stains or rips on them.

That's it.

As girls, it was/is our responsibility to keep the sexual desire of the boys to a minimum. This is a false gender role that comes straight from rape culture. Rape culture states that if a female is wearing tight/revealing clothing or looks attractive in any way, she is "asking for it" - she is asking for sexual assault, cat calls, rape, etc. It objectifies women and exalts patriarchy and misogyny. Instead of teaching men self control, the responsibility of prevention is placed on women.
Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defence, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it’s your fault. (3) To teach something that is stemmed from this and claim it is of God cannot be justified in any way, shape, or form. 

This is not something that we should be encouraging or educating in the church. Instead, we need to be properly educating our children on sexuality and gender equality, without pressuring anyone- regardless of sexuality, gender, or sexual orientation - into taking public oaths regarding the status of their sexual activity. It is time we teach our children with a positive outlook on sex, without inducing shame or fear onto them. I am praying that we can reconcile and heal from the damage done of the Purity Movement. If you've been hurt by EPC, know that your value, worth, and purity have nothing to do with your virginity. You are loved and accepted as you are, no questions asked.

Do I think sex should be saved for marriage? Honestly, I don't know. I'm going to be vulnerable and say this is something I've been questioning lately. There's a lot in the Bible that doesn't apply to today (eg. slavery, polygamy, women being silent, etc). Abstaining from sex before marriage made sense thousands of years ago because there were no contraceptives, and children out of wedlock not only caused much turmoil within the community, but made said women outcasts. Is this still legitimate to our modern era?  Issues like these take research, prayer, and deep digging. The Bible isn't something cheap and shallow that can be taken at face value. But regardless of what my conclusion on pre marital sex is, I can say that I won't be making anymore public declarations on whether or not I'm sexually active. Because, simply put, it's really nobody's business.

And if you need some statistics and hard facts, click here. Because science and facts and data and all that good shit.

Did you also grow up around EPC? What are your thoughts regarding both EPC and rape culture? I'm interested to hear. Share in the comments below.

Freedom House

I'm finally home.

It feels so good to be able to finally say that!

For the first time in three years, I have a physical place to call home. Permanently.

I love my little house. It's mine to keep and take care of and decorate how I wish. Kilkenny is my home, and I have much exploring and many adventures ahead of me.

So, what have I been doing since I moved in three weeks ago?

When I moved out of New Ross, my heart was a mess. I was a wreck. After living amidst all the tension and the spiritual atmosphere of that little town(I won't get into details here on this public space), after having to say goodbye once again to beloved friends and teammates, I was done.
Saying goodbye to my teammates was really hard. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. After they left, I stayed in my room for a week and watched trashy teen tv shows(*cough*Teen Wolf *cough*). I don't even like trashy tv shows! Except to eat and use the bathroom, I didn't leave my bed once for an entire week. I even cried. Once. For maybe five minutes. What? I know! I never cry! I know, I handled it like a bad breakup. But after three years of having shallow conversations or investing deeply into people only to say goodbye, and after having nobody(except for three or four people, and one of them is my mother) contact me on a regular basis from home, after feeling abandoned by my church and everyone I knew, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. So can you really blame me?

Needless to say, I was in need of healing.
I needed to start over. That's what I've been doing these past few weeks.

Healing.

For the first time in seven months, I can feel Holy Spirit again. I can hear God's voice so clearly. And I have missed it so much.

Except to care care of necessities, like grocery shopping, I have been a complete hermit, I've been in recluse. Staying in my house, hanging out with Jesus, cooking, baking, binge watching tv shows or youtube, and having spontaneous worship sessions in my kitchen have filled my days.
This has also been a time of receiving vision for the next season. Everything that was spoken over me/prophesied over me is starting to take root and grow. This is a time of growth, of vision and dreaming and planning.
You guys, I can't get into many details on here, but holy shit. Jesus has so many plans for this house. Y'all know my dream for the safe house and how unbelievably huge it will be? This house is the start of it. This is the beginning.
This house will be a haven.
This house will be a place where chains fall off, where people hurt or rejected by the church can come and heal, where they're set free.

I'm calling it the Freedom House.

I wish I could tell you everything, I wish I could divulge all the little details. But I can't yet.
Just know that it's so, so good.

It will take time.
But it will be worth it.

This has also been a time of relying completely on God for my every need. I put the last of my pocket money into the deposit for this house. So far, Jesus has looked after my basic needs. I have asked for wisdom on where every dollar/euro is going (A big thank you to you who have donated one time and monthly. You are sowing into something so huge and beautiful and I can promise you that it is not going to waste. I pray you are blessed abundantly for giving).
Something that Jesus reminded me is that it's not who has extra money to spare, but it's the condition of their hearts. I cried out for the past seven months for people to partner alongside what Jesus is doing out here, to see hearts changed and minds renewed, and nobody heard, save for three or four wonderful people who have beautiful hearts.
So I can shout from the rooftops all I want, but that's not going to do much. I have to wait for Jesus to move hearts. And so wait is what I will do. I'm not going to worry about rent due in two weeks, or anything of the sort.
Jesus has promised me this house. He has promised me chains broken and lives changed. He has promised me the nations.
And so I choose peace.
I choose to be silent and wait in eager anticipation.

"For the creation waits in eager anticipation for the children of God to be revealed." Romans 8:19
"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25
"God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful." 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Time is Running Out

One word: Haven.

I move to Kilkenny on Wednesday. I have a house waiting for me. But this isn't just any old house. This isn't just a place for me to live.
This house will be a haven. A sanctuary. A place where those who are in need of rest, who need someone to listen, who need a break from life, can come and do so. I want to build the backyard into a lush garden. I want to serve anyone who comes through the doors. I want chains to be broken in this place. I want this to be a freedom house.
This will be a miniature version of the safe house.
This will be training ground.

I KNOW we can do this together.
Two days to fundraise $650. We have until Wednesday.
We can do this, you guys.
Spread the word.

If you want to help with this vision, click the 'donate' button the right hand side of this page. Let's build this vision together, guys.
Let's change Kilkenny.

Let's change Ireland.
Let's change the world.

UPDATE: $325 has already been donated. Thank you so much to those who have donated! I'll post pictures of the house once I get there. 

Yay For Positivity!

Before I begin, I just wanted to clarify something that seems to have gotten mixed up when people have been sharing what I do here: I'm NOT working with teens who are at risk for sex trafficking. I'm not working with sex trafficking at all right now. Yes, I still have a heart for it, and I always will, and I still have my dream of a safehouse and all that good stuff, but right now, youth ministry is where Jesus has me.

Also, the Rock is not a rehab centre. It is simply a drug and alcohol free youth centre, focused on building relationships with youth. These teens are just normal kids. Some come from good homes, and some come from not so good homes. Some do have addictions or substance abuse. And some don't. There is no way of us knowing, until we hear stories like this one. All that we can do is make sure drugs and alcohol aren't allowed in the centre, and to make it as safe as possible.The whole point of The Rock is to welcome teens from all backgrounds and situations with open arms. It is a safe place where they can hang out. And I'm invested because I love them. I don't care if they smoke or they're sleeping with their boyfriend/girlfriend, or whatever. I don't want to point the finger at them, at their habits, like so many people did to me when I was a teenager. I simply love them where they're at. I invest. Because being a teenager sucks sometimes. I know I didn't like it. And I wish I had someone invest in me, instead of pointing the finger at all my bad habits, when I was in my teens. Because when someone did that to me, it showed me that that's all they saw of me.They didn't see my value and worth. They only wanted to modify my behaviour. And when people did that to me, it made me want to do worse things, and make even worse decisions, in a sort of  "f---- you" attitude.
So, that's it. I'm invested in teens. Because they're the future. They're world changers. They each have brilliant creativity in such vast and diverse ways, and if you and I have even the tiniest little positive impact on that, I can die a happy person.

Now, onto our scheduled programming...

Well, the team has gone back to the States and the Anchor is officially over (until next year, when AIM sends another six month team). These past six months have been incredible. I've been stretched and challenged in impossible ways, I've laughed and cried, and I've gained some wonderful friends, both my team and the teens we hang out with.

So now comes the transition. The move to Kilkenny. The big kahuna. Hopefully this will be the last move for quite a while. I'm looking forward to having a somewhat permanent home again. Yay for no more moving!

So, since I last updated y'all, some wonderful things have happened. I was at a low in life, questioning whether or not Jesus wanted me in Kilkenny. And He proved that He does. He gave me a roommate(who arrives at the beginning of September). He has given me three monthly supporters so far. On Monday I will go register for my PPS number so that I can start looking for a job. He gave me a house(!!!!)-of which I will put down a deposit on Monday. This house is perfect, you guys! I'm SO EXCITED. It's a HOUSE. After living in apartments for most of my life, I'm so ready to have something different. I don't even have money for a full deposit, much less the first month's rent, but I decided to step out in faith and go see it anyways. The rent is pretty average for a two bedroom in Kilkenny, and it's within my planned budget. And there have been those little signs from Jesus that this house is where He wants me. That it's okay.

Also, I know that deciding to be a monthly supporter is a commitment, whether it be for missions or for a non profit or a charity, it's definitely something you have to think about. I get it. And I know I've been asking strictly for monthly support, but honestly, I can't be limiting Jesus. That's a no no. So if you've thought about supporting what Jesus is doing out here, but the prospect of monthly giving seems too much right now, one time donations are okay too. Jesus uses those too. Because here's a little secret: missionaries aren't picky :) I promise.

So, I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to those have been praying for me. For sharing the crap out of my blog. For those who are still thinking about committing to being a monthly supporter or doing one time donations. For sticking with me through this crazy rollarcoaster that has been the past six months.
 Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
You complete me. And I'm super thankful for you.
Just, all the feels. ♥♥♥
Love love love.

Be A World Changer

Hey guys,

Honesty time.

I'm feeling really discouraged. I'm doubting if God even wants me here still. Aside from a friend and my mother, nobody has said "yes" to seeing the lives of Irish youth changed. Nobody has sent me an encouraging message or email. It has been. Dead. Silence.
I feel like I'm shouting in a room full of people with a mega phone but everyone is deaf. It's rather difficult to not look at the numbers. I don't care about the numbers. I care what they represent. I have to keep reminding myself that people have said "yes" to prevention of sex trafficking in Cambodia. They've said "yes" to the first six months of this trip, to keeping Irish teens safe. And that it's down to the wire of either buying a plane ticket home or sticking it out and having faith that they will say "yes' again. That you will say "yes" again.

Anyone can fly to a third world country and build someone a house, to care for someone's physical needs. But it takes much longer to care for someone's mental and emotional needs. It takes months. Years. At first it just seems like I'm playing Uno or making bracelets with teenagers, but building relationships takes time. The coffee dates and long talks and tears and laughter don't happen right away. But you know what does happen right away? When these kids have a place to go to hang out three times a week instead of (for some of them) overdosing on drugs or drinking themselves into a stupor (like I used to). It breaks my heart when I see this stuff happen.
But at the same time, I'm so happy that these teens have chosen to hang out at the Rock or the Anchor or any other youth centre in Ireland.
It's literally a choice of life or death in some cases.

Missions In Ireland: How Choices Change Nations (create youth centers for at-risk teens) from Adventures In Missions on Vimeo.

And that's why I'm here on your behalf. This isn't about me It's about them. The future of Ireland. Of the world. These kids are world changers. And so are you.
It is going to cost approximately $1500 CDN a month to stay here and invest in these teens on your behalf. So far, $600 of that is covered. Thank you, Jesus. I have complete faith that Jesus is going to cover the rest of that. If you would like to partner with me in this adventure, feel free to contact me via email (sf.rochel@gmail.com) or on Facebook (Sarah Faithe).

Here's to many more lives changed.
Cheers.

A Thank You Note

I need to apologize. I have not been keeping y'all updated with what ministry is looking like here, and for that I'm sorry. I know I was pretty vague before I left about what I would be doing here, and honestly, that's because I didn't know anything either, thanks to AIM's lack of communication.

So, the past five months, as you already know, I have been working at a drug and alcohol free youth drop in centre in the town of New Ross, Ireland. What you don't know, and what I didn't know until after I got here, was that, our team were to start The Anchor from the ground up. We're talking brand spanking new. Crazy, right? 

So, after being vetted by the Garda, and getting all the necessary paper work done, we finally had our first drop in night on February 8th. We have the Anchor running every other Saturday evening, and every Thursday afternoon. We've been able to connect with quite a few youth in town, and we've plugged ourselves into other local ministries. We've also been helping out at The Rock in Kilkenny, which we've used as a model for The Anchor. My team and I have volunteered there numerous times, and I've been developing relationships with some of the kids and the leaders. The Rock has been around for eight years, and is locally run.

Youth ministry was never really up my alley. I figured I would do the first six months with AIM and then I would be free to continue pursuing things I need to know for my dream of a safehouse. I was not expecting to fall in love with these kids, and with youth ministry. But here I am. Funny how God works sometimes.

So, what has your financial and prayerful support gone to? This entire trip has been about building relationships with the youth, other local ministry contacts, and the locals.
 When I first got here, my team and I were given lodging by Rob and Joany, a Texan couple who retired early to serve Jesus here in Ireland. I am so beyond thankful for them. They have been such an inspiration and words cannot describe how I am indebted to them for investing in our team by helping out at The Anchor and getting to know us. They are excellent role models. Please keep them in your prayers, as Rob's father recently passed away.

Steve and Trudy moved to New Ross from Australia to open up kids ministry here in town. They have brought some of the youth to Christ and have been discipling and mentoring them. They have been gracious enough to help out at The Anchor and loan us their Wii to set up for the kids every other Saturday night. It's been an honour getting to know them and their passion for Jesus.

Our team have been slowly building relationships with some of the kids at The Anchor. The Irish move slowly, and that doesn't exclude relationships. After doing Bible studies with some of the girls at Steve and Trudy's, after having them over at our apartments for cookies and hang outs and movies and water fights, just now I feel like we've gotten to the place where we wanted to be. It's taken five months to get here, but we're here. And I'm so thankful for it. I'm thankful for them. It's been so humbling investing in these kids and seeing them rise up to their potential. Keri has the potential to be an evangelist. Every other day we hear about her telling folks about Jesus. Jenny has a pastoral gift. She serves like no other. Aaron is so creative. I'm constantly seeing him at the drawing station at The Anchor, whipping up some form of drawing. Ben, despite being loud and hilarious, also has a quiet and gentle spirit. He will do great things in life.
And I could go on and on about the rest of the kids that we've seen grow. And you know who made all this happen? You did. You believed in me enough to invest your prayers and money into to see these kids change the world. I could not have done this without you. So, with every fibre of my being, I say thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.


So, after my team goes back to the States at the end of June, I will be moving to Kilkenny. I will be volunteering with The Rock as much as possible and continue to build the relationships I've started, as well as start new ones. Since I am on a working holiday visa, I will also be looking into the possibility of a part time job. This way I can save up to come home for Christmas (missionaries need breaks too :) ). I will also possibly be running a weekly cafe in New Ross(the decision isn't mine to make, and hasn't been finalized yet). Because as much as my heart is in Kilkenny, I'm not quite ready to leave the youth in New Ross just yet. I am so excited to find a place to live and FINALLY put down some roots in my new home. No more moving around for the next year and a half. No more packing up my life. I've found home. And it's beautiful.

But I can't do this without you. I am looking for you, my dear supporters, to help me invest in the kids of Kilkenny. I am looking for 10-15 people to donate $50-$100 a month. I know that's a lot, but unfortunately living in Ireland is 1.5x more expensive than it is in Canada. But I know God's got me here for a reason. So I'm not living in fear because of big numbers. God owns all the money in the world. He has me here, and He's going to keep me here. If you would love to partner with what Jesus is doing here, or have any questions, email me at sf.rochel@gmail.com. I will no longer be with AIM after June 30th. So that means that 100% of your support is going straight into ministry, instead of going into someone's pocket. Yay for no admin fees!

Thank you guys, so so much for partnering with me this far, I would love to continue this journey with you and with Jesus.

All My Love,
Sarah

P.S. Here are some pictures from our past few months here. But first, meet my team!

From left to right: Michael, Jody, myself, Julieanne, and Becky in the front. 

Julieane and Rebekah G. getting the tuck shop set up for opening night.

The team with our team leaders, Frank and Rebekah.

Frank with Liam and Conor (both from the Rock in Kilkenny).

Bracelet making!

DODGEBALL!

A lot of the kids don't like to smile for pictures :(

Jenny, Keri, and Becky

Shooting hoops at the park

Playing Wii Boxing at The Anchor

Laura and Aaron stole my iPod and took some funny selfies :)

Jody and her sister teaching the kids how to line dance.

Aine beat Becky twice at Speed so Julieanne made her a "trophy"

Playing football outside our apartments

The aftermath of the waterfight :D

Plain And Simple

How do I start off this little letter? It's rather difficult, so I'll just dive right in:

I've only had regular contact with maybe three people back home. Three. That effing blows. I've attempted to contact a few more for skype dates, but nobody's gotten back to me. So either y'all have forgotten that I'm still alive, or, just like me, y'all just suck at communication.And we all know liking someone's status on Facebook or liking a picture on Instagram doesn't count.
So here's the thing: I'm feeling a little bit forgotten by everyone back home, specifically my church family. But this letter pertains to everyone. 

I've seen all my teammates on regular skype dates with family and friends back home, and getting cards and letters and care packages in the mail, and I'm just sitting here like, "Well, I guess they've all forgotten I'm still alive. Alright then." 

Another thing: I've been in constant transition since Cambodia. I still am. There are NO constant or steadfast friendships in my life right now. I'm not talking about with people back home, I'm talking about people here. That's the thing about starting completely over. You say goodbye to your life back home, and you form new relationships in your new home. But I don't have any yet. I have my teammates, but they're all leaving in June. And then it'll just turn into more people to skype. Yippee. And I know that it's going to take some time to get those solid people in my life. These things don't happen overnight. But while I'm waiting, it'd be nice to still know I'm thought of, or that I'm loved by those back home. So maybe instead of me always attempting to set up skype dates or always initiating the contact, it'd be nice if someone reached out to me for a change.

P.S. One of my favourite things are letters. My address is:
36 Rivergate Apartments
Craywell Road
New Ross, County Wexford
Ireland
Pretty please send me one <3

Sincerely,

A lonely little missionary

I Don't Know. And That's Okay.

I came across this quote today,

"We embrace the hand we've been dealt, because we know the Dealer, and He never deals badly." - John Piper

My first reaction to this quote was not an amen; rather, it was quite the opposite. My thought process was something along the lines of thinking that that was total bullshit of a quote. Because life isn't all roses. He never deals badly? Please. My dad dying suddenly while I was on a missions trip to Cambodia was NOT a good hand. Friends' family members committing suicide was NOT a good hand. Women and children all over the world being trafficked into brothels is NOT a good hand.

Sometimes you just don't embrace the hand we've been dealt. When life throws curve balls at us, we want to scream and rant because something huge happened and it will change life as we know it. And it's just not fair.

And that's okay.

It's okay to go through storms in life and not feel like praising God. He loves you anyway.  

A teenager asked a very compelling question at one of our worship nights. He asked why God allows bad things to happen. And you know what? I don't know. I don't know why suicide rate is so high in Ireland. I don't know why the older generation has failed the younger generation and refuses to invest in them. I don't know why children are born into alcoholic families. And I still don't know why my dad, my best friend, the best man I knew, is no longer here for me. To be honest, I still have trouble seeing God in all of that.

So we told him the honest answer: there is no one answer. There is no cookie cutter reply. Sometimes life is just a total shit storm and it just happens. I mean, Jesus was overwhelmed with grief to the point of death (Matthew 26:38).

You guys, He gets it. He's been there. So we can take comfort in knowing that Jesus went through those  not so good deals too. 

John Piper also said this quote:

“If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.”

And those are words of wisdom indeed. 

Lay Down Weapons

So, I have two things I need to address. The first being, I have no idea what's happening come July.

I have been praying and constantly asking God what the heck I'm doing once July hits. To the point where I'm not fully invested in what I'm doing now. So God gave me an option. And I liked it. At first. And then it started to look less and less appealing. So I told Him, "I don't want this. I don't want to start over AGAIN and say goodbye to those in my life currently."  And when I said that, I realized that all I really want is to invest in the team and ministry. One hundred percent. I just want to enjoy my time with them. They're my family right now. I have realized how in love I am with them and with our ministry. I don't want to worry about what I'm doing afterwards. And then, with God being the genius He is, said to me, "You have worked so hard to get here. Rest and let me bring this to you. Just let it happen." So that's what I'm doing.

Which brings me to my second point: 

Okay so here's the thing: I have been a really shitty teammate. I had expectations of my team without giving in return. I wanted their all but wouldn't give it in return.

Why?
Because I was tired of saying goodbye . I know, that's really random, but bear with me here.

Since leaving for Cambodia, I have been on the move. I have had to say goodbye to my dad, goodbye to my teammates from Cambodia, to my roommate, to my friends and family, to my CATS, to familiarity, and now I will have to say goodbye to my current teammates in three months. 

And it FUCKING STINKS. 

I'm TIRED of saying goodbye. My life has been in constant upheaval ever since I left for Cambodia. That's three years, friends. Three years of constant packing up my life only to know its temporary. Want to know how many times I've moved since 2011? If you include how many times we moved to different homes in Cambodia? I don't even know. I'm approximating ten. That's my number. So as you can see, I haven't been able to settle down. To put down roots. 

But because of all this, I started to put up walls around my heart . I got defensive. I have noticed that I've been making snap judgements about people. Because if I do and I decide I don't like them, then I don't have to let them in, and I don't have to say goodbye and I don't have to get hurt. I've even put my own needs above the teams needs. I've idolized my introvert time to the point where I haven't been able to adapt to constant community again. And I get grumpy and surly and grizzly and bitchy if I don't get that time in. But there comes a point where I have to stop waving the introvert flag and suck it up to love on my team. It's been a lot of 'I love you but's with my teammates. And that's not okay. 
So I will lay down my weapons and raise the white flag of surrender. I want to dive deep. I want to love my teammates with everything I have. They are my family now. I want to pour into our ministry until I have nothing left. And then give even more.

We have three months left . Let's rock this bitch.



I am looking for monthly sponsors starting in July. Things are 1.5x more expensive here in Ireland, so I'm looking for approx. 10-15 people to donate $100 monthly, or 20-30 people to donate $50 monthly. Please prayerfully consider sowing into God's work here and  being a part of the exciting life of missions. Let's journey together and change the world. If you are looking to give monthly for either amount or have a different amount in mind, please feel free to email me at sf.rochel@gmail.com
Thank you so much for all the prayers! They are helping SO MUCH. 

Dear Nineteen Year Old Me

Dear 19 year old me,

You're going to have to fundraise. A lot.

Let me tell you, fundraising is tough. It down right sucks sometimes. I've sent out support letters and prayer cards, with 99% not responding. I've written those blogs before, posted on social media, asked family and friends to support my missions trip. I've sold t shirts and bracelets,  let go of my beloved collection of books, and sold and donated all of my belongings, save for the few that fit in my suitcase.

I get it.

I get how hard it is asking people for money and most of them saying no. I've been down in the dirt and mud, 48 hours to my fundraising deadline with not a penny to my name, getting antsy for God to blow me away with a huge donation at the last minute, only to have it not happen. You know what? It's okay.
It's okay if that deadline came and went and God didn't show up when you wanted him to. Because God doesn't work on our deadlines. He owns all the money in the world. To be brutally honest, He does what He wants. God does show up. He does provide. It might happen after that deadline. It might happen before. But He does show up. His timing is perfect.

You will have to fundraise $11,000 for a six month trip. And a few people will support you. But God is going to blow you away with those few. You will have two days before you leave for Ireland, still short $6000. And you will be fully funded by the time you get on that plane.
Girl, God's fucking awesome.  He's got this. And He's got you.

I know you see those teenaged little shits who come from rich familes that flaunt their wealth all over. But they don't know any better. It's all they know. You can't blame them for their wealth. And be happy you're not them. Because relying on God every. Single. Day is one of the best and hardest experiences that you will ever have. You might end up fundraising the rest of your life. Be okay with it. Rejoice in it. What a beautiful thing it is when people believe in the dream God's placed on your heart, and want to sow into that. They believe in you and God and are saying "yes" to making that happen.

Know that it is an honour to serve in the missions field. There are going to be easy days. And there are going to be days where you want to throw in the towel and say 'fuck it.' But it's all worth it. I promise. Just stick it out, and see what God does. He will blow you away.

I promise.

Love,

Me.




The money I have fundraised thus far is ONLY for the first six months, after that I will no longer be associated with AIM working with youth. I do not know yet what the Lord has planned for me starting in July. My visa is for two years, so I am still looking for monthly supporters starting in July. If I am unable to get enough monthly supporters, I will be forced to come home early.  If you would like to keep me here and partner with what God's doing here in Ireland, feel free to email me at sf.rochel@gmail.com. :)