Plain And Simple

How do I start off this little letter? It's rather difficult, so I'll just dive right in:

I've only had regular contact with maybe three people back home. Three. That effing blows. I've attempted to contact a few more for skype dates, but nobody's gotten back to me. So either y'all have forgotten that I'm still alive, or, just like me, y'all just suck at communication.And we all know liking someone's status on Facebook or liking a picture on Instagram doesn't count.
So here's the thing: I'm feeling a little bit forgotten by everyone back home, specifically my church family. But this letter pertains to everyone. 

I've seen all my teammates on regular skype dates with family and friends back home, and getting cards and letters and care packages in the mail, and I'm just sitting here like, "Well, I guess they've all forgotten I'm still alive. Alright then." 

Another thing: I've been in constant transition since Cambodia. I still am. There are NO constant or steadfast friendships in my life right now. I'm not talking about with people back home, I'm talking about people here. That's the thing about starting completely over. You say goodbye to your life back home, and you form new relationships in your new home. But I don't have any yet. I have my teammates, but they're all leaving in June. And then it'll just turn into more people to skype. Yippee. And I know that it's going to take some time to get those solid people in my life. These things don't happen overnight. But while I'm waiting, it'd be nice to still know I'm thought of, or that I'm loved by those back home. So maybe instead of me always attempting to set up skype dates or always initiating the contact, it'd be nice if someone reached out to me for a change.

P.S. One of my favourite things are letters. My address is:
36 Rivergate Apartments
Craywell Road
New Ross, County Wexford
Ireland
Pretty please send me one <3

Sincerely,

A lonely little missionary

I Don't Know. And That's Okay.

I came across this quote today,

"We embrace the hand we've been dealt, because we know the Dealer, and He never deals badly." - John Piper

My first reaction to this quote was not an amen; rather, it was quite the opposite. My thought process was something along the lines of thinking that that was total bullshit of a quote. Because life isn't all roses. He never deals badly? Please. My dad dying suddenly while I was on a missions trip to Cambodia was NOT a good hand. Friends' family members committing suicide was NOT a good hand. Women and children all over the world being trafficked into brothels is NOT a good hand.

Sometimes you just don't embrace the hand we've been dealt. When life throws curve balls at us, we want to scream and rant because something huge happened and it will change life as we know it. And it's just not fair.

And that's okay.

It's okay to go through storms in life and not feel like praising God. He loves you anyway.  

A teenager asked a very compelling question at one of our worship nights. He asked why God allows bad things to happen. And you know what? I don't know. I don't know why suicide rate is so high in Ireland. I don't know why the older generation has failed the younger generation and refuses to invest in them. I don't know why children are born into alcoholic families. And I still don't know why my dad, my best friend, the best man I knew, is no longer here for me. To be honest, I still have trouble seeing God in all of that.

So we told him the honest answer: there is no one answer. There is no cookie cutter reply. Sometimes life is just a total shit storm and it just happens. I mean, Jesus was overwhelmed with grief to the point of death (Matthew 26:38).

You guys, He gets it. He's been there. So we can take comfort in knowing that Jesus went through those  not so good deals too. 

John Piper also said this quote:

“If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.”

And those are words of wisdom indeed. 

Lay Down Weapons

So, I have two things I need to address. The first being, I have no idea what's happening come July.

I have been praying and constantly asking God what the heck I'm doing once July hits. To the point where I'm not fully invested in what I'm doing now. So God gave me an option. And I liked it. At first. And then it started to look less and less appealing. So I told Him, "I don't want this. I don't want to start over AGAIN and say goodbye to those in my life currently."  And when I said that, I realized that all I really want is to invest in the team and ministry. One hundred percent. I just want to enjoy my time with them. They're my family right now. I have realized how in love I am with them and with our ministry. I don't want to worry about what I'm doing afterwards. And then, with God being the genius He is, said to me, "You have worked so hard to get here. Rest and let me bring this to you. Just let it happen." So that's what I'm doing.

Which brings me to my second point: 

Okay so here's the thing: I have been a really shitty teammate. I had expectations of my team without giving in return. I wanted their all but wouldn't give it in return.

Why?
Because I was tired of saying goodbye . I know, that's really random, but bear with me here.

Since leaving for Cambodia, I have been on the move. I have had to say goodbye to my dad, goodbye to my teammates from Cambodia, to my roommate, to my friends and family, to my CATS, to familiarity, and now I will have to say goodbye to my current teammates in three months. 

And it FUCKING STINKS. 

I'm TIRED of saying goodbye. My life has been in constant upheaval ever since I left for Cambodia. That's three years, friends. Three years of constant packing up my life only to know its temporary. Want to know how many times I've moved since 2011? If you include how many times we moved to different homes in Cambodia? I don't even know. I'm approximating ten. That's my number. So as you can see, I haven't been able to settle down. To put down roots. 

But because of all this, I started to put up walls around my heart . I got defensive. I have noticed that I've been making snap judgements about people. Because if I do and I decide I don't like them, then I don't have to let them in, and I don't have to say goodbye and I don't have to get hurt. I've even put my own needs above the teams needs. I've idolized my introvert time to the point where I haven't been able to adapt to constant community again. And I get grumpy and surly and grizzly and bitchy if I don't get that time in. But there comes a point where I have to stop waving the introvert flag and suck it up to love on my team. It's been a lot of 'I love you but's with my teammates. And that's not okay. 
So I will lay down my weapons and raise the white flag of surrender. I want to dive deep. I want to love my teammates with everything I have. They are my family now. I want to pour into our ministry until I have nothing left. And then give even more.

We have three months left . Let's rock this bitch.



I am looking for monthly sponsors starting in July. Things are 1.5x more expensive here in Ireland, so I'm looking for approx. 10-15 people to donate $100 monthly, or 20-30 people to donate $50 monthly. Please prayerfully consider sowing into God's work here and  being a part of the exciting life of missions. Let's journey together and change the world. If you are looking to give monthly for either amount or have a different amount in mind, please feel free to email me at sf.rochel@gmail.com
Thank you so much for all the prayers! They are helping SO MUCH.