An Apology

Dearest ones,

I have an apology to make. I can't apologize for my anger or my frustration because they've been essential in the healing process. I can't apologize for calling the church out on things, because in return, I've had people call me out on my crap too. And that's what we're here for. I'm so beyond thankful and grateful to those who did. I'm a better person because of that.

But I am sorry.

I'm sorry for acting entitled.

I'm sorry for getting angry at people for not donating to my ministry. It's not even my ministry. It's all His.

Yes, I sold and donated all I have to come here. But that isn't worthy of praise. I'm not the only person to do so. No, I don't have heat in my house, and no I'm not fully funded. But I can't blame every single person for that. Yes, I see people spending two hundred dollars a month on Starbucks and then turn around and say they are unable to give. But I don't know the person's situation. Maybe that one latte a day is all that's keeping them sane in the midst of a busy and unforgivable world. And I can't be mad at that. And I can't condemn them for that. I can't keep saying, "my problem is your problem, So help me." I didn't see anyone reaching out, so I didn't think anyone was watching me, and in return I used this public space as a journal of sorts. And that was wrong.

I've heard a million times over "so and so is praying for you." And I am grateful. It was and is hard for me to see so many people praying and not many people moving. And maybe there was a reason for that. I don't know, I don't have all the answers.

But I'm not entitled to having my basic needs met. There are other people out there, not even missionaries, that don't have what I have. I've lived without electricity, and I've lived without a roof over my head, and I've lived with no food, wondering where my next meal is going to come from. I've done this before. I've just forgotten.

I'm sorry for blaming you for my problems. By acting entitled and throwing fits on the internet, I've acted childish, and in so doing I've hurt myself and my ministry. I've failed to practice tact; I've messed up big time. My inheritance from my Father isn't money, it's people. And I've forgotten that. I've idolized money problems. And I'm sorry.

I want to thank the few who stuck by me in all of this. I promise to learn from this. I promise to continue being human and mess up in other ways, and I know I'll have people correct me when I do. And I promise I won't be using public spaces as ranting corners about my personal life (I've already deleted a couple of posts on this blog).

I do promise to continue being honest with you. And I promise I still can't sugar coat things. But I promise I will be tactful, something I've failed miserably at practicing.

So I hope you can forgive me. And if you see me doing something stupid, please don't be afraid to call me out on it immediately.

Thank you.