He Is Patient

This was inspired by a piece I came across, about Elijah in the desert. You can read it here.


In my five years of being a rededicated Christian, and especially in the last couple years, I was surrounded by the miraculous. And it was what I needed at the time. It got me out of the rut of vanilla Christianity that I grew up with. I learned that being moved by the Spirit doesn't necessarily have to be sombre and serious and tears streaming down everyone's faces. It actually means laughing until your sides hurt and your eyes water and you look totally wasted because Holy Spirit has grabbed a hold of you and won't let go. Even now, during the rare times when I worship, this is still how it ends up being, no matter how far and few between those times are.

I discovered a new side of the Almighty. And His name was Joy. I saw limbs grow out (I had my own leg grow out so both legs were equal length, and my lower back pain disappeared). I saw a man walk out of a wheelchair. I experienced heavenly encounters and discovered my gifting (words of knowledge). I learned about the prophetic. And I saw people declare things in the name of the Lord and it would happen instantly. But when I did it, nothing happened. I saw my body in pain, and I prayed regularly for healing, and I sought out people who were gifted with that, and so many people prayed, and nothing happened. Nada. Nil. Zip. And I became frustrated. I didn't understand why God refused to heal me miraculously. I was surrounded by this culture of "God wants nothing but goodness for you, and will heal you if you ask for it" and "God doesn't want you to be in pain" but I wasn't seeing it manifest in my own life. Living in the culture of the miraculous was good, but it did its bout of damage. Why? Nobody wanted to admit that God sometimes heals with time. Yes, healing comes through the supernatural. But sometimes healing comes through the natural. He heals slowly. And sometimes that slow healing process is painful. And. That's. Okay.

Sometimes gifts are deactivated for a while. Sometimes passions are put on the back burner. I haven't given a word of knowledge or had a heavenly encounter for almost a year. My passion to fight sex trafficking has been given a rain check. Put on hold. This has actually been a positive thing. With my Jesus walking me through all my past hurts that I'd buried deep while growing up, there are some days where all I can do is get up and not be angry. I'm not in a place to be giving words or praying for victims of sex trafficking. I can't even pick up a Bible right now. But that's okay. I'm getting there.

Sometimes God refuses to heal in supernatural ways. He sees your pain and says, "no" to miracles. He says "no" to the easy button. Instead, He says "we're going to walk this through. It's going to be slow and painful, and it's going to be rough. It will test your faith and hope, and you will want to give up at times. In fact, you're going to downright hate it. But I promise you, you're going to make it. It's going to be okay." Iron sharpens iron. But let me tell you, it is in these times, you discover so much about yourself. It is in these times of desert, in these seasons of thorns and poison, that true beauty is found.

And you know what? Most of the time, the people who surround you with love and family won't understand it. They'll see the things you're struggling with and call it "a tactic from the enemy." They'll see it from the outside looking in. They'll try to pray it away, they'll see it as something evil and unnecessary, or even a "soul tie". But it's not. It's simply a part of the journey. It's a thorn stuck in your side. And it's ugly. But it's part of walking in the desert. Thorns are going to make their way into your skin as you trek through. And you're going to have to walk a ways with it before learning to pry  it out.

 I'm learning that life really is mainly lived in the desert, and that mountaintop experiences are far and few between. But God meets me here. Here, in the dust, and the dirt, and the thirst and hunger, and the inferiority, and my weakness. When I can no longer go on, He sustains me, and says, "Arise, and eat." He doesn't try to fix me, like so many other people are doing, He's not trying to force or push me out of this current spot, He's not trying to invalidate or erase how I feel in this exact moment. He just meets me where I'm at. He sits in the dirt with me. And He stays. Until I'm ready to get up and maybe take a feeble step forward, clinging tightly to His hand. He never lets go. He is patient. And He is never ending love and grace.

New Skin

Every time I'm about to post another piece, I always second guess myself, because the pieces tend to be on the negative/venting scale. But honestly, that's alright. Those who know me know that I'm not a negative person generally. But this time in Ireland has been healing, and the Lord's been showing me how much I've endured during my lifetime (more below). Writing these have been therapeutic for me. These pieces aren't really for anyone else, although I do love to see everyone's opinion and input. So thanks to everyone for putting up with my cranky side as I continue on this path of healing. It's a bumpy one, but it's good. So without further a due, here it is:

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When I moved to Ireland, I expected to start a new life. I just had no idea how true those words would ring.

I didn't just sell/donate everything I had and pack everything else into two suitcases to move halfway across the world. I didn't just say goodbye/see you later to everyone I know.
My world was turned upside down when I got on that plane.
I didn't know my home church would never attempt to contact me and leave me without their much needed support. I didn't know I would start to question everything I grew up with in the church and its culture. I didn't know I would metaphorically throw up all the theology I swallowed as a child and build from the ground up my own faith.
But I did.

And a funny thing happens when you do that. 

You get rid of all the bullshit.
Everything I've grown up with, everything that seemed familiar, is now foreign and strange.

I started questioning a lot, like why I saw 99% of the pastors and speakers within the church are male. Where were all the women? Why wasn't I seeing any women rise up to leadership? How come we've accepted discrimination and oppression of women in the church through traditionalist views, complementarianism and fundamentalism? How is that okay? We've been told to live a life of "biblical womanhood." But a woman's place is not under her husband's rule, it is not in the kitchen or in the home raising children and doing housework. A woman's place is wherever the hell she wants to be. The same applies for men. If they have no desire to be in leadership, why pressure them? People, regardless of gender, should be free to pursue their callings, both inside and out of the church, with no discrimination. There are women out there that have a heart to lead, and instead of giving us resources to grow and flourish, to be world changers, and to be on the frontlines, we're being told that we're second class citizens, and that we need to step back so men can be in their "rightful place as leaders." Enough is enough! You want Biblical womanhood? Read this.


I saw how purity culture has wreaked such havoc and dictate that women's value and worth is tied directly to their virginity. I saw it slut shame, victim blame, and objectify women, as well as enforce outdated gender roles. It told us to dress a certain way, it told us that men have a bigger sex drive and women have a very small sex drive (despite that being scientifically proven false. I thought I was a freak for having a sex drive as a teenager, even though it's completely natural), and it perverted the word "pure", trying to masquerade it as something tied to our sex lives. It told us that we were to submit to our husbands, and that it's our duty to please him in bed. When in reality, sex is never owed to anyone. Ever. Regardless if you've been married for 20 years or dating for 2 weeks. I cannot stress this enough: you do not owe sex to anyone. It is 100% consent on both parties.
Purity culture has mistaken natural sexual desire for lust. It tells us that what our bodies are feeling is "sinful and shameful", but once you're married, it's "beautiful" and is to be celebrated. Too often in purity culture, abstinence is used as sex education. As a result, teenagers and young adults have no idea what is going on with their own bodies, and when they enter marriage (under the impression -placed by the church- that sex is saved for marriage), they have no clue what to do, and most often than not, wives are not enjoying sexual intimacy with their husbands, and vice versa. This leads to frustration and shame on both parties, all because the Church is afraid to tell young people that sex feels good and refuses to partner with healthy sex education. It's a vicious cycle. Statistics have already proven that abstinence doesn't work, so can we please just get on with our lives and stop seeing sex as this trophy you get once you get married? Marriage is not about sex. Placing the emphasis on not having sex until marriage has young Christians marrying far too young and leads to high rates of divorce; young adults are getting married to be able to be intimate, not necessarily because they want to be married.(2)
Purity culture has dressed up marriage as a fairy tale, waiting for a prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet in a happy ending with a huge diamond ring and extravagant wedding. When in fact, marriage is a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. Yes, purity culture sure has done its damage on my generation, and I'm still healing from it. It's time to have a healthy conversation about sex positivity in the church community. "Learning to honour your body also requires you learn about it." - Eliel Cruz


I saw the ridiculous stats of LGBT+ kids who deal with excommunication, homelessness, depression and/or suicide because they aren't accepted for who they are, or are unable to safely come out to their family without losing provision for their basic needs. I couldn't see how being gay, bisexual, trans*, etc. was a choice, how somebody would choose that only to deal with such negative responses, religion and religious homes being a huge factor in these kids facing homelessness or oppression. Stories like this one are just a small example of what some of these kids go through. (trigger warning: parts of the video are extremely verbally graphic). Unfortunately, a lot of conservative/religious people relate LGBT+, particularly homosexuality and bisexuality, with promiscuity and generally concentrate on their sexual relationships, instead of romantic relationships (like you would a straight couple). This double standard is false. LGBT+ people are no more promiscuous than straight people are. I understand that generally Christians I know say they think (specifically)homosexuality is wrong because the Bible dictates it to be so, but they love and don't judge them. Which is all well and good, and I understand their hearts behind it, but we need to stop picking out parts of the Bible that we're comfortable taking at face value. It's time we unpacked these ancient texts and get to the true historical and cultural context, and see what has been lost in translation. It's much easier to read something at face value and assume you understand exactly what's being said when it doesn't apply to you on such a deep, personal level. (1) We cannot blindly take some parts of the Bible at face value and then choose to recognize the cultural/historical aspect of others. The Church needs to accept that being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, etc., is not a choice, and it's not a "lifestyle" as Christians like to call it. Some of us are born differently, and some of us fit comfortably into our heteronormative society. We like to put people into boxes and into binaries. Exclusion and discrimination against those who don't fit inside the gender and/or sexuality binary is something that has gone on far too long. 

The minute we place our theology above people is the minute we've failed, not only to represent Jesus and even understand His message, but also to be decent human beings.  This is something that has been heavy on my mind so I will expand in a later post.

I started to question the validity of the Bible. I grew up around the mentality of "the Bible says it, I believe it, and that settles it." An extremely literal view. I grew up in a Christian school, where of course we had a Bible class, wherein I had a teacher who scoffed at science and tried to teach us something more "biblical" based. He, and most of the school board, saw science as a weapon yielded by atheists, bent on destroying the "Christian mandate" and anything "biblical based." 

 When I took a step back and looked at it, it didn't make sense that we were taking rules and laws from a completely different time period and culture and enforcing them onto today's modern generation and culture.
I know what the Bible says regarding women in certain roles, homosexuality, and sexuality. Believe me. I did not come to these conclusions lightly. I have wrestled with all of this and more for a long time. I now know it's okay to look at the Bible with a non literal view and still respect it for all of its beauty and wisdom. Reiterating what I said above, I have too much respect for the Bible to take it at face value. Doing so is a dangerous thing to do, because it cheapens and dishonours the Bible for all its worth. Although, I will say this: the Bible does not have the final say in our questions and issues, because it doesn't contain all the answers to life's problems and grey areas. God does. God's Word is not limited to a physical book, it goes beyond that. His Word is the very life He speaks into us, the love He lavishes us with, and the wisdom He guides us with. Rachel Held Evans put my frustrations into beautiful words. Check it out here.


Presently, I'm starting to question a lot of church culture in general, and organized religion(Please do not mistake this for me criticizing the Church as people. We're all messed up and nowhere near perfect. I'm simply aiming this at the culture we've allowed to seep into our community of the Bride of Christ). 

Marriage is idealized by the church. They mistakenly assume every teenager or young adult is striving for marriage and has the desire to pop out a couple of kids, so of course they have teachings and small groups and courses and marriage counselling and nurseries available. But nowhere do we see small groups or support in general for single people, whether they have no desire to get married, or they do and it just hasn't happened yet. Nowhere are we seeing support and community for single parents, because according to Christian culture, they are broken homes/families. This is an entirely false assumption that needs to be stopped. In my honest opinion, if a child has a parent or guardian who loves them and provides a healthy home, there is no brokenness there. Healthy homes and parent-child relationships are not limited to the number of caregivers present.

I didn't understand why my church cut off all communication with me after I left for Ireland. And I was scared to ask because I had seen the exact same thing happen to a friend of mine at the exact same church. I was scared of rejection. I still am. But beauty has come out of it. By being forced into isolation, I've had the freedom to question and doubt and know that it's okay to do so, without any outside influence. I'm sure their lack of communication was unintentional. Call me foolish, but I'm still hoping relationships can be repaired and restored.
I came across this quote today: 

"So when people leave, I've learned a secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to. Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren't qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return."  - The Staying Philosophy (Everyday Isa) 

I'm sure nobody from my home church will see this, but on the off chance they do, know that I'm not angry with anyone. I'm simply hurt.
So though I may presently be without the support of my church back home, I've found community from the most unlikely people, and in the most unlikely places.  

And I've discovered kindred spirits who relate with my frustrations of organized religion. The internet is a wondrous place that allows unlikely community to be built. I've found encouragement in the writings of authors and fellow bloggers like John Pavlovitz, Rachel Held Evans, The American Jesus (Zack Hunt), Nadia Bolz Weber, and Eliel Cruz(who can be found here, here, and here).


After being raised around purity culture and fundamentalism not just on Sundays, but during the week at school as well (for at least half of my education, and during pre adolescent and adolescent years), there was a lot of damage done that I'm currently healing from. It was, quite honestly, spiritual abuse(Please note: my home church had nothing to do with the spiritual abuse I endured over the years. They actually have a great representation of what community looks like). This time away from the familiar has allowed me to wake up to the backwards thinking I was surrounded by as a child and teenager.  After having my eyes opened to the extent of damage done by organized religion, I think it's a good thing I didn't have contact with my church. It allowed room for the healing process. Spiritual abuse is subtle, but has extremely damaging effects in the long term.
 I've been slowly but surely walking through my past and unearthing old wounds that I've subconsciously suppressed for many years, and have taken the time to let new skin grow over. For the first time, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own body and mind.
I've had the freedom to throw away everything that I learned while growing up in the Church and build up my own faith, instead of having it hinge off of others beliefs. There is little in life that is as liberating as doing this. I am not the same person I was nine months ago. My views have changed drastically, but my love of Jesus has grown tenfold, and I have a new found respect for the Bible.

I would love to see churches embrace the LGBT+ community (e.g. United Church of Canada). There are LGBT+ people who are Christians as well. I want to see support groups or community for single people, single/divorced parents, and women raised up in leadership. The Church is supposed to be a safe space, an accepting community, not a battlefield. Let's make it so. If the Church begins to open its doors to those who were previously shut out, I can guarantee it will be a complete game changer. And besides, we don't need another Mark Driscoll incident, do we?

This has been the biggest journey of my life yet. The future is brighter, and I'm looking forward to this next season with fresh eyes. I'm hoping we can begin to repair our church culture. Let's not pick sides, let's stop attacking each other. Let's stop with the judgement and stop flinging Bible verses at each other in condemnation and 'warfare'. Matthew 5:9 states that blessed are the peacemakers. So let's be peacemakers.


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Have you been frustrated with organized religion or experienced spiritual abuse?
What is your experience or stance on LGBT+ and Christianity? If you're a Christian, what would you do if someone close to you came out? What do you think your reaction would be, and would you treat them any different? (I'm looking for something other than "because the Bible says so" responses).
My fellow women, have you been hurt by purity culture or have been told to let the men take leadership roles?
Let me know in the comments section below! And please keep this civil. I'm aware these are delicate matters within the church, as such, any rude or disrespectful comments will be deleted.

You've Lost Me, Church

“Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

We can't keep using that phrase anymore. It's drenched in such passive aggressive, self-righteous, condescending, condemnation that it makes me want to vomit. It separates us and them. There is no us and them. No more drawing circles, no more segregation, no more labels. It's just us. All of us. 

My dear Church, stop with the snooty, nose in the air attitude. It's disgusting and I can't stand it anymore. I've seen people peek in during church service to see what we're all about, and then leave ten, fifteen minutes later, because it's clear they're not one of us. They don't belong. They're outsiders. And you know what? I feel the exact same way. I don't feel at home in the church anymore.  

You’ve lost me.

Yes, you've lost me. I do not find Jesus in your building. I do not find Him in the worship service with the light show and fancy slides. I do not find Him in the sermon preached. I do not find Him in the alter call or the prayer, or even in your offering plates. I don’t find Him in your little social circles that gather around Folgers coffee, or your after-service conversation and side hugs and little pats on the back.

I find Him outside of your comfortable cafe corners, outside of your walls with flashy posters and beckoning couches. I do not find Him in your comfort, in your separation from the world. And I sure as hell don’t find Him in your missions tourism. I find Him elsewhere.

You've lost me. I am no longer satisfied with staying inside your safe little bubble. The comfort zone of the church is suffocating me. The fluffy kind of faith I grew up believing in is false. Faith is not this pretty little thing. It's not found in memorizing scripture and it's not in a dismissive "I'll pray for you" or "God is good, all the time!"

I have found it in the thick of the ugliest of times. After being dragged through the muck and the mud and blood, amidst the hopelessness, after almost drowning in the storm, after barely surviving the war zone that is life, after screaming out "Where are you in the pain, God?" and having silence in return.  That is where faith is found.

It is found in the thorns and the doubt and the dark. It is found in the depression and the grief. It is found in the questioning and the fire.

Yes, dear church, you've lost me. My questions are uncomfortable, full of doubt. You've made it clear to me that you don't like it. They rub you the wrong way, and they threaten your self preservation. I am putting everything I've grown up with to the test. And I am not satisfied with your washed over answers or your quoted Bible verses. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand your Christianese terms or your slogans. I hate your rules and checklists and judgement. And I can’t stand your Pharisee mindset.

I am finding Jesus elsewhere. I am finding Him in the doubt. I am finding Him in the world, in the people you painted as dirty and unclean.  These people are covered with scars, just like me, and they have shown more love and acceptance and Jesus than you have. I am finding Him in the atheists and the anti-theists. I'm finding Him in feminism and marriage equality. I'm finding Him in the teenagers I hang out with. 

 I am also finding Him in the darkest, most disgusting corners of the earth that you wouldn't dare venture over to lest you dirty your self proclaimed clean hands and pure hearts.

Faith is dirty and gritty. It’s messy.

It's time to get uncomfortable, church.
It’s time to leave your suit and tie at home. Hang up your prejudice. Take off your shined shoes.

It's time to walk knee deep in the mud.
It's time to get real. 

“I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions. I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes, your public relations and image making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music. When was the last time you sang to me? Do you know what I want? I want justice—oceans of it. I want fairness—rivers of it. That’s what I want. That’s all I want."

-Amos 5:21-24, MSG

Disclaimer: This is not aimed at a particular church back home. This comes from growing up in the church and around Christianity, and seeing what the Western Church culture has become.

Stop The Madness: A Look Into How Evangelical Purity Culture Ties Into Rape Culture

Lately quite a few articles have been popping up on various feeds on social media, regarding either rape culture or evangelical purity culture. So I thought I'd pitch in my two cents, and how the two correlate.

The first article I came across was a blog post by a woman named Samantha. Read it here. The second article is here.

Regarding Samantha's post, let me just say that I understand where she comes from. 

In the ninety's, Richard Ross- along with his wife- founded True Love Waits. They are responsible for the Purity Movement, propelling purity rings and pledges onto the Christian youth masses. Purity culture became a huge wave within the church. I grew up around it too. Spending half of my education in the private Christian education system, my adolescent years were surrounded by it. Girls my age were proudly taking oaths in front of their churches, declaring they would remain pure until their wedding night, displaying their purity rings for all to see. While this may seem innocent enough, the actual root of it is not. It has actually driven away people from their faith. The problem with evangelical purity culture (abbreviated to as EPC henceforth), isn't just about "saving yourself," it also encourages dissociation from our sexuality, when curiosity and exploration are a natural and important part of sexual and psychological development.(1) Plainly put, instead of receiving proper and healthy sex education, we were taught to be ashamed of our sexual desire, when it is a perfectly natural function of the human body. Our virginity and sexuality was placed on this pedestal like a trophy, not to be touched or tarnished.

EPC also set up newly married couples for failure. Instead of protecting youth, the purity movement actually guaranteed people would enter marriages naive, ignorant, filled with assumptions about their gender, their bodies, and their sexuality... without knowledge, vocabulary or practice to discuss sex or sexuality. (2) 

Of course, being surrounded by EPC, I was pressured into taking an oath. I did it, at the ripe age of twelve, all the while not having a clue about sex, because why would I? I was twelve years old. I was more concerned with my math grade. But I did it. I signed that little piece of paper, declaring that I would remain pure until my wedding day. I remember the feeling I had when I did it. It was not one of accomplishment, but rather one of shame and regret. "What did I just do?" I asked myself. And you know what the most disturbing fact is about all this? No boy was ever asked to take said oath, or wear any symbol of their promise to keep their virginity. It was all us girls. It was our responsibility to keep our virginity for our future husbands, because it was a "gift" for him, and if you gave it away to the wrong person, all of a sudden you were cast out, you were tainted, in need of reconciliation with Christ, because you just committed one of the most terrible sins. And yet, boys were given more grace. It wasn't a big deal if they had sex outside of marriage, because of course boys are wired differently. They couldn't help it if they "fell into sin." This is not only not fair to the girls, but it is also insulting to the boys, insinuating that males are hormone controlled, sex crazed beings who are not intelligent enough to comprehend self control.

EPC not only encouraged all of this, but also urged the girls to dress modestly, so as not to attract the attention of boys. During my days in the private Christian education system, I can affirm that 90% of the dress code was aimed toward the female student body. Don't wear spaghetti straps/don't have your shoulders showing, don't have your bra straps showing, don't have skirts above the knee, don't wear shirts with lower necklines, etc. The dress code for the boys can be summed up in one sentence: don't wear clothing with mud/stains or rips on them.

That's it.

As girls, it was/is our responsibility to keep the sexual desire of the boys to a minimum. This is a false gender role that comes straight from rape culture. Rape culture states that if a female is wearing tight/revealing clothing or looks attractive in any way, she is "asking for it" - she is asking for sexual assault, cat calls, rape, etc. It objectifies women and exalts patriarchy and misogyny. Instead of teaching men self control, the responsibility of prevention is placed on women.
Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defence, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it’s your fault. (3) To teach something that is stemmed from this and claim it is of God cannot be justified in any way, shape, or form. 

This is not something that we should be encouraging or educating in the church. Instead, we need to be properly educating our children on sexuality and gender equality, without pressuring anyone- regardless of sexuality, gender, or sexual orientation - into taking public oaths regarding the status of their sexual activity. It is time we teach our children with a positive outlook on sex, without inducing shame or fear onto them. I am praying that we can reconcile and heal from the damage done of the Purity Movement. If you've been hurt by EPC, know that your value, worth, and purity have nothing to do with your virginity. You are loved and accepted as you are, no questions asked.

Do I think sex should be saved for marriage? Honestly, I don't know. I'm going to be vulnerable and say this is something I've been questioning lately. There's a lot in the Bible that doesn't apply to today (eg. slavery, polygamy, women being silent, etc). Abstaining from sex before marriage made sense thousands of years ago because there were no contraceptives, and children out of wedlock not only caused much turmoil within the community, but made said women outcasts. Is this still legitimate to our modern era?  Issues like these take research, prayer, and deep digging. The Bible isn't something cheap and shallow that can be taken at face value. But regardless of what my conclusion on pre marital sex is, I can say that I won't be making anymore public declarations on whether or not I'm sexually active. Because, simply put, it's really nobody's business.

And if you need some statistics and hard facts, click here. Because science and facts and data and all that good shit.

Did you also grow up around EPC? What are your thoughts regarding both EPC and rape culture? I'm interested to hear. Share in the comments below.