You've Lost Me, Church

“Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

We can't keep using that phrase anymore. It's drenched in such passive aggressive, self-righteous, condescending, condemnation that it makes me want to vomit. It separates us and them. There is no us and them. No more drawing circles, no more segregation, no more labels. It's just us. All of us. 

My dear Church, stop with the snooty, nose in the air attitude. It's disgusting and I can't stand it anymore. I've seen people peek in during church service to see what we're all about, and then leave ten, fifteen minutes later, because it's clear they're not one of us. They don't belong. They're outsiders. And you know what? I feel the exact same way. I don't feel at home in the church anymore.  

You’ve lost me.

Yes, you've lost me. I do not find Jesus in your building. I do not find Him in the worship service with the light show and fancy slides. I do not find Him in the sermon preached. I do not find Him in the alter call or the prayer, or even in your offering plates. I don’t find Him in your little social circles that gather around Folgers coffee, or your after-service conversation and side hugs and little pats on the back.

I find Him outside of your comfortable cafe corners, outside of your walls with flashy posters and beckoning couches. I do not find Him in your comfort, in your separation from the world. And I sure as hell don’t find Him in your missions tourism. I find Him elsewhere.

You've lost me. I am no longer satisfied with staying inside your safe little bubble. The comfort zone of the church is suffocating me. The fluffy kind of faith I grew up believing in is false. Faith is not this pretty little thing. It's not found in memorizing scripture and it's not in a dismissive "I'll pray for you" or "God is good, all the time!"

I have found it in the thick of the ugliest of times. After being dragged through the muck and the mud and blood, amidst the hopelessness, after almost drowning in the storm, after barely surviving the war zone that is life, after screaming out "Where are you in the pain, God?" and having silence in return.  That is where faith is found.

It is found in the thorns and the doubt and the dark. It is found in the depression and the grief. It is found in the questioning and the fire.

Yes, dear church, you've lost me. My questions are uncomfortable, full of doubt. You've made it clear to me that you don't like it. They rub you the wrong way, and they threaten your self preservation. I am putting everything I've grown up with to the test. And I am not satisfied with your washed over answers or your quoted Bible verses. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand your Christianese terms or your slogans. I hate your rules and checklists and judgement. And I can’t stand your Pharisee mindset.

I am finding Jesus elsewhere. I am finding Him in the doubt. I am finding Him in the world, in the people you painted as dirty and unclean.  These people are covered with scars, just like me, and they have shown more love and acceptance and Jesus than you have. I am finding Him in the atheists and the anti-theists. I'm finding Him in feminism and marriage equality. I'm finding Him in the teenagers I hang out with. 

 I am also finding Him in the darkest, most disgusting corners of the earth that you wouldn't dare venture over to lest you dirty your self proclaimed clean hands and pure hearts.

Faith is dirty and gritty. It’s messy.

It's time to get uncomfortable, church.
It’s time to leave your suit and tie at home. Hang up your prejudice. Take off your shined shoes.

It's time to walk knee deep in the mud.
It's time to get real. 

“I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions. I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes, your public relations and image making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music. When was the last time you sang to me? Do you know what I want? I want justice—oceans of it. I want fairness—rivers of it. That’s what I want. That’s all I want."

-Amos 5:21-24, MSG

Disclaimer: This is not aimed at a particular church back home. This comes from growing up in the church and around Christianity, and seeing what the Western Church culture has become.